(Image: Tom Red/Private Media)

It’s encouraging to see such a culturally diverse range of candidates vying to replace Boris Johnson as leader of the British Conservative Party. But no matter who finally moves into No. 10, Britons will still end up with a well-to-do Tory offering more of the same. Perhaps it’s time for the party to cast the net a little wider. Crikey satirist Tom Red takes a look at some of the leadership longshots.

Mrs Slocombe (Grace Brothers sales assistant)
Pros: Like Boris, Mrs Slocombe is a tragicomic icon with a penchant for double entendres and a fondness for cats.
Cons: She passed away in 2009, which in ordinary times would rule her out. However, her backers argue that John Major was essentially lifeless while in office, and after years of bonking Boris’ bacchanalia, British voters might be looking for a less frenetic leader.

Malcolm Tucker (coms director / Olympic swearer)
Pros: Knows where the bodies are buried. Colourful conversationalist. Solid grudge holder. Ethically ambiguous.
Cons: Malcolm’s spin-doctor schtick has been outstripped by a world where poetically violent death threats and omni-shambolic clusterfucks are business as usual, rather than très outré.