(Image: Tom Red/Private Media)

In a cruel blow to TV fans and cocaine dealers alike, the Logie Awards have been cancelled due to COVID-19. Luckily, TV is a forward-facing industry and networks are already hard at work creating brand new content for next year’s ratings battle.

Pray School

This joint production between Sky News and Hillsong provides choice for parents concerned about the godless, gender-fluid socialism baked into ABC programs such as Play School, Bluey and Rosehaven. While singalongs and craft projects remain, the producers have made big changes. Story time features 12 Rules for Living and Latham at Large in place of My Two Mums or The Perilous Plot of Professor Poopypants. The three separate viewing windows are gone, replaced by one normal one. Pray School will be hosted by Daisy Cousins, Greg Sheridan and Guy Sebastian, with Chris Kenny playing Le Pen, the patriarchal puppy dog.

I’m a Backbencher, Get Me Out of Here!

Does the world need a down-market spin-off from the inexplicably popular Get Me Out of Here franchise? Yes, apparently. Set on a sheep farm just outside of Queanbeyan, federal backbenchers face a series of exacting physical, mental and ethical challenges, including deadly dixers, extreme noddies, green-washing, astro-turfing and novelty cheque etiquette. Last one standing wins a coveted spot on a bipartisan fact-finding trip to Mogadishu.

Survivor: Empathy Bootcamp

While most Australians were appalled by the debauched behaviour exposed in Parliament House last year, the producers of Survivor saw an opportunity. Over six emotional episodes, two teams of male staffers and politicians navigate their way through the ethical minefield of empathy training. Will they emerge with their privilege, narcissism and cognitive bias intact? Or will they become slightly less obnoxious than they were before?

I’ll Take That As a Comment

This show is envisaged as a companion piece to the ABC’s flagging weekly talkfest Q+A. As the title suggests, it focuses on the rambling and unfathomable statements-disguised-as-questions asked over many years, generally by political staffers pretending to be normal audience members. It will be hosted by Casper Jonquil and feature a regular “where are they now?” segment and the occasional song and dance number.

Flurovision Song Contest

Political movers and shakers in hi-vis and full facemasks perform rudimentary building tasks while singing pop songs and debating contentious issues. The audience tries to figure who’s hiding behind the fluro. Imagine Masked Singer meets The Block meets Q+A. Stars attached to the program so far include Lyle Shelton, Bunnings Karen, Mark Latham, Stan Grant, Tina Arena and Chris Kenny.

The Dead Kelly Gang

Hot on the heels of Juanita: A Family Mystery and Exposed: The Ghost Train Fire, comes The Dead Kelly Gang. Using exclusive insights from Dubbo’s leading prognosticator — Madame Gwen Celestine — the documentary argues that Ned Kelly wasn’t killed because he was a bushranger but because he knew too much about a murky Sydney property deal with links to Abe Saffron, Neville Wran and the Dancing Man from 1945.