(Image: Private Media)

Lockdown has hit. You’re a recently single extrovert stuck inside with one housemate and a cat. What do you do to distract yourself from the growing sense of existential dread?

The ‘green thumb’ stage

You buy a massive cane palm, lovingly repot it and place it in the sunniest spot in your house. 

The plant starts to wither and turn yellow. You dedicate two hours to researching optimum palm conditions and then discover your cat has been peeing in it this entire time. 

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You should have bought a lemon tree. 

The ‘home hairstyle stage

You decide to refresh your look with a packet of supermarket hair dye. The packet says it’s copper Aztec colour. It is not.

You stain your towel, bathroom cabinet and cat. It looks like there’s been a SpaghettiOs massacre.

The dye comes in the colour of old office carpet. You spend half an hour researching how to strip hair dye and sit in front of the TV with baking soda on your head.

Your housemate doesn’t ask questions. 

The ‘mental health’ stage

You call your GP to ask for a repeat of antidepressants. You both gloss over the fact he hasn’t written you a prescription in years.

“How many repeats?” he asks. 

“How long will lockdown last?” you reply. 

He writes a script for two months’ worth. 

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Peter Fray
Peter Fray
Editor-in-chief of Crikey
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