(Image: Tom Red/Private Media)

The newly returned Nationals leader Barnaby Joyce will demand even more control over future climate change policies and more senior ministerial portfolios as part of a secret Coalition agreement to be renegotiated with Prime Minister Scott Morrison throughout the week.

The agreement between the Liberal and National parties has huge consequences for Australia’s domestic politics and, in terms of climate change, our international standing. It’s very much in the public interest. So it’s very lucky that we managed to get our hands on a first draft of the document, which sets out the junior Coalition party’s very serious demands.

Climate change

Despite what we acknowledge are its best efforts, the Liberal Party is still managing to give the impression that it’s taking action to combat climate change. The Nationals will not be satisfied until such time as Morrison is doing so little that the Australian media stop describing him as “shifting” or “inching” towards a net zero target. As such we ask that the Libs commit resources to finding out how they can possibly do less to combat climate change.

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All Coalition MPs must wear Akubras and fresh RM Williams boots, shorts and shirts whenever visiting any non-metropolitan electorates. These items must have never been worn before each visit.


An immediate bump in support for skint blokes supporting two families.

Bonk ban

The bonk ban is discriminatory against those afflicted with insensible levels of horniness and must be overturned.

Constitutional reform

We call for a referendum on section 44 of the constitution to allow regular attendance at Beef Week to be a sufficient criterion for Australian citizenship.

Carp policy

We know it is incredibly important because we are afflicted in this nation with these disgusting mud-sucking creatures, bottom-dwelling, mud-sucking creatures for which the only form of control is a version of herpes to try to get rid of these disgusting mud-sucking creatures. But we will move forward on this, because we believe we should be getting rid of these disgusting mud-sucking creatures, to support the silver perch and the yellow belly and the Murray cod and the eastern cod and the catfish. BUT WE DON’T WANT TO HAVE TO DEAL WITH CARP. WE HAVE TO GET RID OF THE CARP.

Memorandum of understanding

You guys know regardless of what you agree to, and no matter the interests of the country or the section of it we purport to represent, we’re going to continue to be a relentless and destructive distraction, right?

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Peter Fray
Peter Fray
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