NASA has thrown astrology fans into complete and utter disarray after announcing a brand new 13th star sign: Ophiuchus, the snake bearer.
The unveiling of this new sign has meant millions of people’s horoscopes have changed with the calendar shift.
As NASA explains in a frank post that also rebukes astrology as unscientific and compares reading horoscopes to reading “fantasy stories”, the space agency says the Zodiac system was created by the Babylonians roughly 3000 years ago. At the time, the Babylonians recorded constellations and split them into 12 to fit their calendar. In doing so, they left poor Ophiuchus out.
If you add the 13th constellation to the mix, it clashes with the other constellations and the whole Zodiac system turns into an (even bigger) shambles. So blame the Babylonians and not NASA, I guess.
But the real question is… what does this mean for our esteemed national leader’s horoscopes?
Scott Morrison (May 13)
Nothing changes for Prime Minister Scott Morrison, who stays a Taurus despite the Zodiac revolt. It’s fitting because Tauruses are known for being painfully stubborn, as well as stoic and determined.
You could say Morrison has been rather stubborn about cheering on the Sharkies and throwing back beers at the footy, despite the whole, you know, global pandemic going on. You’d think he’d learnt from the last time he absconded to Hawaii while the whole country was burning.
You could also say he’s been rather stubborn about not admitting any fault when it comes to the sports rorts saga or remaining devout to fossil fuels.
Anthony Albanese (March 2)
Thanks to the Zodiac shift, Labor leader Anthony Albanese has been stripped of the “dreamer status” attributed to the Pisces star sign and gifted the rebellious streak of an Aquarius.
Apparently, there’s a deep sense of justice and fairness in all Aquarians. You could draw some parallels here: Albanese grew up in public housing and has been a long-standing member of the union movement.
Aquariuses are also known for being major loners — which may explain why he lost the 2013 Labor ballot to Bill Shorten, one of the most unpopular Labor leaders in Australian history.
A quick Google search and you’ll even find Albanese talking about how lonely it is in the nation’s capital. “There isn’t a gathering place where people have a drink after work,” Albanese told Guardian Australia. “They can get pretty isolated in these corridors.”
Adam Bandt (March 11)
For Greens Leader Adam Bandt it’s once a Pisces, always a Pisces.
Pisces are known for being imaginative, romantic and empathetic. Bandt’s ambitious Green New Deal sure speaks to this, with the Greens claiming investment in renewable energy and a commitment to zero emissions can create tons of new jobs.
Bandt will sadly have to dream on when it comes to getting the Coalition on board, who can’t even honour the Paris Agreement without creating some glaring loophole like carryover climate credits.
Pauline Hanson (May 27)
The One Nation leader was once dubbed a Gemini, considered the social butterfly of the Zodiacs, as well as intelligent and adaptable. It’s an ill-fit for Hanson, who struggles to string a sentence together, and has been barking the same old illogical racist rhetoric for decades.
She’s now been downgraded to a Taurus, which makes far more sense. What other Zodiac sign could be so stubbornly committed to pursuing minorities and race-baiting vulnerable communities on breakfast television year after year?
Peter Dutton (November 18)
Homes Affairs Minister Peter Dutton was a tough-minded and secretive Scorpio, and now he’s a diplomatic and open-minded Libra. Surely NASA has got it wrong?
Dutton, who recently tried to push for tougher laws to strip search refugees and remove their phones, doesn’t seem to crave the fairness supposedly desired by Libras.
What’s fair about locking refugees in hotel rooms, some of whom have been detained for seven years with no idea of when they’ll be freed? Or extending the waiting time for partner visas to two years and then allegedly intervening to allow your mates to get au pairs?
Gladys Berejiklian (September 22)
The NSW Premier was a hardworking and reliable Virgo, but under the Zodiac shift she’s now a charming and fair Libra. It’s too bad Berejiklian has been recently been embroiled in allegations of rorting.
As Crikey‘s Georgia Wilkins reported, Berejiklian signed off on $12 million for an upgrade for the Coogee Surf Life Saving Club, a new skate park in Ryde and a Bondi Beach playground — all in councils that hadn’t been merged and in seats held by Liberal MPs.
Daniel Andrews (July 6)
The Victorian premier was previously characterised as a Cancer, the bitch of all Zodiac signs. Now he’s been redeemed as a Gemini, making him fast, witty and a bit erratic. You’ll be pleased to know that Geminis are also known for getting “on the beers”.
Despite all his faults (see: the red shirts scandal), Andrews has managed to attract a swathe of diehard Dan fans, with #IstandwithDan trending on Twitter yesterday, despite Victoria’s COVID-19 cases reaching the highest they’ve ever been.
So maybe NASA got it right after all.