The Offices of Woman’s Day. Weekly news conference.
In attendance: the EDITOR, DEPUTY EDITOR, ROYAL EDITOR, HEAD WRITER and, as a treat, SAM, THE WORK EXPERIENCE KID.
EDITOR: We need a cover story for this week’s issue. What have we got
DEPUTY EDITOR: I reckon it’s time we did a royal story. We haven’t done one since… how long has it been?
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ROYAL EDITOR: Last week.
EDITOR: Right, so we’re definitely due then. What’s happening with the royals?
ROYAL EDITOR: I heard a rumour that Harry and Meghan are breaking up
DEPUTY EDITOR: Where’d you hear that?
ROYAL EDITOR: In the toilets, yesterday morning.
HEAD WRITER: Excellent, we have a story! So why are they breaking up
ROYAL EDITOR: Oh, you know, the usual. The Queen told them to or whatever.
EDITOR: I dunno, is that strong enough for a cover?
DEPUTY EDITOR: What if we said that Harry and Meghan are breaking up because Meghan has been having an affair with an Oscar-winning actor.
ROYAL EDITOR: Joaquin Phoenix?
HEAD WRITER: Michael Caine?
HEAD WRITER: We could say that Harry is having an affair too.
ROYAL EDITOR: With Pippa Middleton.
HEAD WRITER: No, with KATE Middleton.
DEPUTY EDITOR: And William is furious…
HEAD WRITER: No! William likes to watch, because he can’t satisfy Kate himself…
EDITOR: Yes! So the Queen ordered Harry to have sex with Kate…
ROYAL EDITOR: Driving Meghan into the arms of Michael Caine.
EDITOR: OK, this story is starting to take shape now. Make sure you back it up with plenty of sources.
ROYAL EDITOR: That’ll be no problem. I know how to spell “source”.
DEPUTY EDITOR: Is there any way we could go deeper into this, though? Maybe turn it into a serious investigative piece?
HEAD WRITER: Well, I have been hearing that the Queen suspects Meghan of stealing from her.
EDITOR: Wow. Where’d you hear that?
HEAD WRITER: Just now, when I said it. I heard myself say it.
EDITOR: Excellent. So Meghan’s been stealing from the Palace.
HEAD WRITER: To support her heroin habit.
ROYAL EDITOR: That makes sense. Ties in with the story I’ve been working on about Prince Phillip’s drug empire.
DEPUTY EDITOR: And Meghan’s addiction is why Harry feels he has to divorce her.
HEAD WRITER: Which has upset Meghan so much she’s gone on a three-day bender and beaten up a male stripper.
ROYAL EDITOR: It’s no wonder Meghan was upset, given she’s five months pregnant.
EDITOR: To Michael Caine. No, to Prince Andrew!
ROYAL EDITOR: Obviously.
SAM THE WORK EXPERIENCE KID: Maybe you could do a story on Andrew’s links to Jeffrey Epstein, that’s been in the news.
EVERYONE: Shut up, Sam.
EDITOR: Yep, this sounds pretty good. Harry dumps pregnant junkie Meghan to pursue love for Kate in menage a trois with brother William. Queen said to be furious according to a pal.
DEPUTY EDITOR: Which is why the Queen bought a gun.
HEAD WRITER: Which is how she accidentally gunned down Princess Eugenie thinking she was a burglar.
ROYAL EDITOR: You hate to see it.
This is the first part of an occasional series called Inside the News Conference.