royals meghan markle prince harry royal family crisis
(Image: EPA/Neil Hall)

So, the Queen is OK(ish) about Harry and Meghan’s desire to be part-time royals. But what’s the real story? Crikey can reveal what really went down at the Sandringham crisis summit, thanks to recording devices implanted in specially bred Corgis.

The transcript is reproduced here in the public interest.

HER MAJESTY QUEEN ELIZABETH: Right, well, you know why I’ve brought you all here today.

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PRINCE EDWARD: I don’t. What’s going on?

QUEEN [whispering]: Charles… who is that?

PRINCE CHARLES: That’s Edward, mummy. Your youngest son.

QUEEN: Oh! Oh yes. Don’t worry about it, Edward. You can go out and play.

EDWARD: Hooray!

QUEEN: Now, what we need to do is figure out a way through this whole Harry mess.

PRINCE HARRY: I don’t much care for that phrasing, grandmother. All we’re saying is that we don’t want to work in the family business.

QUEEN: Yes, well, that’s quite a problem, Harry, because as you may have noticed, you are a prince. You don’t just get to walk away from being a prince.

CHARLES: It’s like being in the Mafia.

QUEEN: It is not like being in the Mafia, Charles.

CHARLES: Sorry, mummy.

PRINCE WILLIAM: What happened to the Harry I used to know? The loyal brother who was always by my side, who was there for me in a crisis, who kept his mouth shut and let me be the main one in the papers? When I think of all the happy days we spent playing in relative proximity to each other as children…

HARRY: Look, I think you’re all being a bit melodramatic. All we’re saying is, we’d like to step away from all the royal hoohaa, and make proper lives for ourselves as independent people.

MEGHAN: [Snapping gum] Yeah, what’s up with you limey assholes anyway? You’re all so uptight, geez. Get a life, y’know? [Burps]

HARRY: I don’t think it’s fair that Meghan and I should be denied the chance to live as we please just because of the family I was born into.

QUEEN: Yes, well, I don’t think it’s fair that I haven’t been allowed to have an opinion since I was asked what I wanted on my toast when I was six, but that’s life, isn’t it, young Harry? We are royals, and as horrific and hellish as this life of incredible wealth and luxury is, it’s the life we must get on with. Look at your father. If he had his druthers he’d have spent his whole life forming close friendships with tomato plants. But he has a sense of duty.

HARRY: He got to marry Camilla, though.

CHARLES: That was quite different. You’ll understand one day, when you’re old enough to be a tampon.

WILLIAM: I just don’t see how you can be so callous as to quit your family.

HARRY: We’re not quitting the family. We’re just quitting this stupid job that apparently means every newspaper in the country is free to slag us off every day. It’s OK for you, they love you.

WILLIAM: Well, maybe if Meghan would spend a bit more time sitting quietly and looking angelic and a bit less time being American.

MEGHAN: Ah, Jesus Christ, will you get off my back? I did everything you told me, I wore hats, I showed up to the goddamn tennis. What more do you want from me?

WILLIAM: You see?

HARRY: What I propose is, Meghan and I will move out, go to Canada for a bit, maybe open an internet startup, sell some branded tea-towels, and just really strike out on our own, leveraging our incredible level of fame to enrich ourselves like an ordinary family.

QUEEN: The trouble is it makes me look weak, doesn’t it? The British people expect a queen who can keep an iron grip on her own family. If they see me letting my own grandson slip through my fingers, they might get ideas.

HARRY: Hmmm… I see your point.

CHARLES: What if we let Harry and Meghan go, but we keep their child as a hostage?

QUEEN: That might make us seem unsympathetic.

HARRY: How about this: we get to move out, but you say there’ll be a “period of transition”. Then, while everyone’s wondering what the hell that means, you can announce that Kate’s pregnant again, and everyone will forget about it.

QUEEN: Sounds like a plan.

WILLIAM: Oh goody! I’ll get to do sex again!

ANDREW: Hi guys, sorry I’m late. What did I miss?

QUEEN: Did you guys hear something?

CHARLES: Nope.

ALL: Nope.

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Peter Fray
Peter Fray
Editor-in-chief of Crikey
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