Tony Abbott defeat election 2019

Somewhere deep inside we all knew that the heady days of seeing Tony Abbott — the weirdest unit to ever become prime minister — standing out the front of train stations, bus stops and occasionally the side of a highway could not last forever.

Eventually, Tone must become but a whisper on the wind as he is carried on to his next opportunity. And now, as we wait to see his next move, we can only speculate on where he might end up and how he might do.

Ambassador to the US

The Joe Hockey extended gap year ambassadorship has become the stuff of legend. Got a massive liability lying around your party room? Ship them off to the states to frolic in the snow for a bit.

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Tony Abbott, the Fosters of prime ministers, is perfect for this role. He would embrace a kind of Crocodile Dundee cavalier attitude as he makes American dignitaries eat Vegemite, pat koalas, and hear about how the communists are using gender theory to besmirch the name of coal-fired power plants.

The downside? The risk of the United States declaring war on Australia increases exponentially out of the sheer frustration of having to deal with this guy.

Ambassador to the Vatican

It’s fair to say Australia doesn’t have the best record on choosing who we send to the Vatican. This appointment is unlikely to shake that stigma. But perhaps it’s time to lean into it and just accept that the Pope is never going to like us.

The only real problem is the inevitability that, were Tony sent to the Vatican, he would uncover a long forgotten text belonging to a banished medieval sect. Upon reciting the words embossed in gold on the cover of their manifesto he would immediately ascend beyond our mortal realm and become a creature of pure energy and piety.

While I’m sure he’d be thrilled with this we would have to send another envoy, rendering the appointment mostly pointless.

Sky News host

This is the option that keeps just about everyone happy. Those who believe Abbott still has a vital political role to play in the nation will be thrilled to see him on Sky News. Those who believe Abbott is a dangerous influence will be thrilled to not see him anywhere because Sky News and no one watches it.

The only real victims are the poor lost souls of the Qantas lounge. There simply aren’t enough stagnant gin and tonics in the world to get you through this.

Chair of GetUp

A controversial choice and one that might be difficult to manifest, but who truly knows the power of GetUp more than Abbott? Months of fear-mongering about the activist group has shown more belief in its power and influence than anyone has ever shown before. Here Tony can be a peacemaker, finally bring Captain GetUp back into the fold, and heal this nation.

Phantom haunting the House Of Reps

Imagine, in some distant future, a boiling nation desperately seeking refuge rushes through emergency environmental legislation as the walls melt around them. But wait, what’s that sound? Is it the ringing of the division bells? No, it’s our Tone playing a large organ from the press gallery. In a ghostly wail he warns them to turn back now, before it’s too late. Then with a flourish of his cape he disappears.

But they haven’t seen the last of him. None of us have.

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Australia has spoken. We want more from the people in power and deserve a media that keeps them on their toes. And thank you, because it’s been made abundantly clear that at Crikey we’re on the right track.

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Peter Fray
Peter Fray
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