Ita Buttrose
Ita Buttrose (Image: AAP/Lukas Coch)

All hail Ita Buttrose! The new chairwoman of Her ABC has been chosen, and she is a fierce second-wave feminist full of fresh ideas. The founding editor of Cleo, former editor of Women’s Weekly and current blonde woman on breakfast TV is ready to make some big changes to the commercial, I mean, national broadcaster.

The decision was handed down from the government on Wednesday, after smartly ignoring an independent panel we taxpayers already paid for, and then randomly pointing in the direction of someone who might not hate them. Unfortunately, they picked a woman, but besides that, Prime Minister Scott Morrison is thrilled.

There’s speculation that this bold appointment might signal too much influence from the government, with whispers that the ABC might fall into corporate hands. We at Crikey want you to pop a bottle of Jacob’s Creek chardy and put these worries to rest, as we give you an exclusive look at the brand new ABC line-up.

Get Krack!n

Created by Kates McLennan and McCartney, this breakfast show featuring two white women co-hosts is regarded as one of the ABC’s best satires, but Buttrose thinks it has more to give. This will become the flagship program for the ABC, extending to a full six hours every weekday morning and changing nothing but the guest list, the number of jokes allowed (two), and the colour of Kate McCartney’s hair. She’s a blonde now! Buttrose is in talks with Danoz Direct to sponsor.

The (Women’s) Weekly

This reimagining of Wednesday night news satire program The Weekly is for women, and men (if their wives aren’t looking). Charlie Pickering will stay on as host, giving weight-loss tips, touring us through gardens and interviewing important figureheads like Dino from Married at First Sight. Feminism!

Royal Watch

Buttrose famously quit her co-hosting job with Studio 10 after the network overlooked her for their royal wedding coverage. Holding onto this resentment like a pit-bull with lockjaw, Buttrose will host a nightly program in which she watches members of the British Royal Family from various balconies, elevated platforms, treetops and neighbourhood windows. This will replace ABC News on the main channel at 7pm.

All ABC radio station broadcasts will also be replaced with droll narration of what each member of the royal family are doing at any given time.

ABC news

The ABC News channel will be reformatted as a live stream of an all-day panel discussion featuring white people giving their opinions on the Northern Territory Intervention and what colour lawn chairs you should use in your backyard. Elevating Indigenous voices is paramount to the government’s, I mean, Buttrose’s vision, which is why parliamentary special envoy for Indigenous affairs Tony Abbott is being brought on as a regular guest.

Q&A

This beloved Monday night staple will remain unchanged.

Question time

Our national broadcaster is unique in its wide coverage of parliamentary affairs, and this will continue with a reinvigorated question time in which our politicians are sat down and asked the tough questions, like “What is the capital of Venezuela?” And “Who stars in the titular role of the upcoming film Captain Marvel?”

Midsomer Murders

All weekend programming will be replaced with a Midsomer Murders marathon. Buttrose is quoted as saying “just give them what they want”. 

Peter Fray

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