Facebook regulation
Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg.

Last year, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg posted 6000 words on the tendencies of history. In surprise news, he did not hold that the history of all hitherto existing societies was that of class struggle. No. All history has necessarily led to a marvellous and democratic thing like Facebook.

Today’s hurly-burly world that brings such enriching and positive advancement to at least 0.00002% of its people moves so fast, the present can be a trial to describe. Even inspirational, brilliant leaders like Zuckerberg, Bezos and Gates struggle to find the language to depict this marvellous moment and all those other, less marvellous, moments that came before.

One thing they all know for sure, however, is that things are really on the up-and-up and there’s not much to worry about, save for climate change, whose solution we will soon outsource to Elon Musk. That’ll fix it. Place command of the West’s energy in the hands of one union-busting billionaire. Sorry. Not the point.

The point is: things are fine, liberal democracy advances in victory everywhere, and to help you spread this humane message of love, hope and the most lopsided accumulation of wealth and power ever in human history, I have formed the Crikey Standing Committee on Deluded English and present a glossary for our go-go times.

Sharing Economy: Workers of the West and the Global South have sought and almost won their right to flexible labour conditions. No longer bound by the red tape of regular employment, standard wages or compensation for workplace injury, the people have said as one to the “Elites” (see): what we crave more than anything is profound uncertainty with a dab more poverty on top. Naturally, Zuckerberg’s company is at the forefront of this marvellous global trend.

Elites: Per recently reclaimed “Useful Idiot” (see) this insult has very wide application, and is certainly not restricted to use by those who are not elite! No. Rupert Murdoch and many persons working in executive and/or well-remunerated service to Rupert “elites” Murdoch may use the term to describe, say, black children shot dead by the police and/or murdered women. Union elites may also use the term “Elites” to describe the inevitable behaviour of commanders in the “Sharing Economy” (see) that union elites did nothing these past 40 years to curb. Still. Our ACTU elites have now come to understand that “Disruption” (see) is not always great fun, but a good part of the reason Useful Idiots can no longer be arsed joining unions.  

Useful Idiot: This term can be applied to any person who disparages Western dominance in any way, but is best reserved for “Russian Sympathisers” (see). For as long as the Evil Empire of Russia has been making trouble, beating Nazis, giving 20 million military lives in the service of beating the Nazis (N.B. feel free to include all war dead when calculating lives taken by Stalin, as nearly everybody does) it has identified “useful idiots”. Actually, Lenin coined this phrase to describe the Western minds he would dominate with his communist rot. There is absolutely no record of Lenin writing or saying such a thing. This is likely because the Russians used mind control upon useful idiots of the West who destroyed any evidence of Lenin’s intrinsic, very Russian evil.

Russian Sympathiser: Any person who believes that the arbitrary detention of an Australian journalist is somehow a “big deal”. Any person who does not agree with Mike Pompeo. Any person who does not agree with Hillary Clinton. Any person who does not listen to this marvellous podcast from the ABC, any person who does not believe that evidence of Russian “interference” in the US election  is hardly satisfied by the sale of $100,000 worth of Facebook ad space to persons who may not have been Russian, but certainly were very bad at making ads.

Thug: Putin, obviously. Any member of a trade union. Dead black children. Democratically elected leaders of nation-states. Not ever President Obama. No way. The deaths ordered by that guy were very tasteful, and, you know, Hillary Clinton left Libyans ungoverned and drowning in blood as a “Feminist” (see) statement. Essentially. Anyone you don’t like who wields power over “Useful Idiots” (see etc).

Billionaire Entrepreneur: Pretty much like Russian “Oligarchs” but from Silicon Valley, and similarly magnificent sites of Western “Disruption” (see) but with way more power and regular invitations to Davos.

Disruption: Used interchangeably with terms including “innovation” and “unregulated wealth accumulation”, this serves to make current crisis of Western underemployment seem sexy, lays blame for widespread wage stagnation with individual workers and deadens empathy for Uber drivers and their annoying haunted eyes prone to reflect memory of murdered Libyan relatives.

Feminism: Whatever you want. Explain anything, good or bad, as the by-product of feminism. An empty signifier.

Human Rights Abuses: China. China. China. Russia. Venezuela. North Korea. China. We don’t have these in Western nations. The US is not a police state, unlike China China China, and it does not hold the bulk of the world’s prison population — oh and Gitmo is not a centre for torture, but a hub for democracy. Do we have torture? No. We have, here in Australia, occasional mistakes made by individuals. The abuse of Dylan Voller was not torture, but a mistake. That 100% of minors in Northern Territory detention are Aboriginal persons is not a planned and racialised act of institutional torture, but a mistake. Torture? What are you talking about. We never do that, and when we do, it’s called “advanced interrogation”. Torture is what “Thugs” (see) do and “advanced interrogation” is much nicer, and entirely justified if enacted upon “Russian Sympathiser”. A group of persons hated by almost everyone decent, especially those who practice “Feminism” (see). “Feminism” (see) once felt similarly about Muslim persons, and, heavens, the NAMES I could give you of Australian ladies who were all up for a bit of “let’s bomb Afghanistan!” in 2001, but won’t, for fear of being named among “Elites” (see). Then, there was a great “Disruption” (see) and everyone started hating Russia, China and others who practice “Human Rights Abuses” and Islamophobia became unfashionable. You know. Except by those “elites” Rupert Murdoch despises.

I hope this clears things up.