Introducing another installment in in a humour series by Lorin Clarke, writer, broadcaster and law graduate, formerly The Social Contract. As always, reader feedback is welcomed.

Please note the introduction of the following amendments to The Social Contract.

These matters pertain specifically to Appendix I: Being a Supportive Parent. Please note that this Section pertains to both the parental community and to persons who have, or have at some stage had, parents of any kind.

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Note that three phrases are now no longer permitted “at any stage” in the giving of parental advice to any person, whether a child or adult. These phrases include:

1.1.1 “Good God is that what you’re wearing?”;
1.1.2 “That isn’t music. Let me play you some music”;
And this phrase, the utterance of which comes with a hefty fine:
1.1.3 “You are so special. Every word you utter is a gift. Don’t you listen to everybody else. What do teachers know anyway.”

According to 1.2.1 “The world” is “by no means, in this territory or any other territories, throughout the world in perpetuity” anybody’s oyster.

In the event that your child is involved in a dispute with another child, you must not:

2.2.1 Refer to the other child as “a jumped up little turd” in the presence of any person under the age of sixteen.
2.2.2 Target the aforementioned child with, for example, “greasing off” tactics, snide remarks, or strategically distributed birthday party invitations.
2.2.3 Adopt a nickname for the child’s parent, e.g. “I saw the Ice Queen this morning” or “Oh look here come the Dunderheads”.
2.2.4 Spread or encourage the spreading of any rumours about the child including by reference to any or all of the following phrases: “developmental problems”, “issues at home” or “on the spectrum”.

In the event of your child being engaged in a sporting event, the following phrases are no longer permitted. A one strike policy applies:

3.1.2 “GET IN THERE! CARN! KILL EM!”
3.1.3 “COME ON PRINCESS, MOVE!”
3.1.5 “FUCK’S SAKE REF HAVE YA GOT EYES YA MAGGOT”

Lastly, the definition of “support” in the context of the phrase “supportive parents” can in fact include not doing things for your children. For example, some parents are apparently unaware that it is not compulsory to do the following:

4.1.1 Carry your child’s bag;
4.1.2 Stay up until 2am completing a science poster while your child “rests his eyes”;
4.1.3 Allowing your child to live in your house until he is forty-five.

More changes as they come to hand. Remember: ignorance of the law is no excuse.

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