Investigative satirist Ben Pobjie has unearthed this doozy of a document ahead of the Liberal Party’s next federal council meeting.
Liberal Party of Australia: Suggested Strategies to Improve Female Representation in the Parliamentary Party.
Points for discussion at national conference:
- $500 voucher for shoes for every new woman candidate.
- Foundation of a Parliamentary Bake-Off to entice women to enter parliament. Winner to receive fabulous prizes.
- All male MPs to make extra effort to create woman-friendly environment by telling colleagues how pretty they are, how smart, etc.
- Change candidate nomination form to a multiple choice quiz: “Are you a Carrie, Miranda, Samantha or Charlotte?”
- Once a week, question time to be devoted to backbenchers asking Ministers whether they have any great low-cal recipes that are easy to make AND easy on the waistline. Ministers to ensure they have such recipes available at all times.
- 700% increase in MPs’ cosmetics allowance.
- Pregnant MPs to receive rendition by entire party room of Paul Anka’s “Havin’ My Baby”, at full pay.
- In addition to annual and sick leave, female MPs to be granted three days a year Ironing Leave, in order to catch up on any ironing they may have fallen behind with due to parliamentary duties.
- Blanket ban on male MPs making jokes about “that time of the month”, during that time of the month.
- Commission Institute of Public Affairs to publish a series of papers on why laissez-faire economics make housework a breeze; how social conservatism leads to better breastfeeding outcomes; and why strong borders mean lower prices on your favourite designers.
- Alteration to parliamentary standing orders so that any MP who is feeling a bit flustered is allowed to have a nice sit down and a cup of tea until she feels better.
- Sexual harassment to be frowned on from now on.
- Something about tampons?
- Solid commitment to a white paper examining the question of whether women can currently own property, and if not, exploring the feasibility of permitting them to by 2030.
- Be less sexist?