Investigative satirist Ben Pobjie has unearthed this doozy of a document ahead of the Liberal Party’s next federal council meeting.

CONFIDENTIAL

Liberal Party of Australia: Suggested Strategies to Improve Female Representation in the Parliamentary Party.

Points for discussion at national conference:

  1. $500 voucher for shoes for every new woman candidate.
  2. Foundation of a Parliamentary Bake-Off to entice women to enter parliament. Winner to receive fabulous prizes. 
  3. All male MPs to make extra effort to create woman-friendly environment by telling colleagues how pretty they are, how smart, etc.
  4. Change candidate nomination form to a multiple choice quiz: “Are you a Carrie, Miranda, Samantha or Charlotte?”
  5. Once a week, question time to be devoted to backbenchers asking Ministers whether they have any great low-cal recipes that are easy to make AND easy on the waistline. Ministers to ensure they have such recipes available at all times.
  6. 700% increase in MPs’ cosmetics allowance.
  7. Pregnant MPs to receive rendition by entire party room of Paul Anka’s “Havin’ My Baby”, at full pay.
  8. In addition to annual and sick leave, female MPs to be granted three days a year Ironing Leave, in order to catch up on any ironing they may have fallen behind with due to parliamentary duties.
  9. Blanket ban on male MPs making jokes about “that time of the month”, during that time of the month.
  10. Commission Institute of Public Affairs to publish a series of papers on why laissez-faire economics make housework a breeze; how social conservatism leads to better breastfeeding outcomes; and why strong borders mean lower prices on your favourite designers.
  11. Alteration to parliamentary standing orders so that any MP who is feeling a bit flustered is allowed to have a nice sit down and a cup of tea until she feels better.
  12. Sexual harassment to be frowned on from now on.
  13. Something about tampons?
  14. Solid commitment to a white paper examining the question of whether women can currently own property, and if not, exploring the feasibility of permitting them to by 2030.
  15. Be less sexist?

Peter Fray

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