There have been many bizarre moments in the two-decades long inflation of the housing bubble in Australia, and many competing to outdo each other in patronising and denigrating either the generation above or below, for simply being in whatever situation they were in, but surely a new premium has been set by the ANZ Bank with their “home loan coach” ad.

You know the one. It starts with a young couple at an auction watching the bidding on a shabby house shoot past their limit place, as the old song “It’s Impossible” plays. Cue montage as they inspect one awful house after another, there’s a few tears at the kitchen table, and then they’re in a schmick office with a young Anzbot, who says “let’s get you started”.

She’s a first home coach! See you were doing it wrong! Who knows, maybe you were reading Domain upside down and thought everything was 000,000,1$! Did you feed the mortgage papers to ducks? There are many ways to go wrong. Yr first home is like yr first kiss in braces. Yr what, 28? You are little children. Let me show you how.

Of course the one thing the first home coach can’t do is get you an inheritance you don’t have, or a ring of relatives to contribute to a deposit. No matter. After seeing “coach”, the couple bid on a house that would hit about $1.5m, or $738 in northern Tasmania. The sun comes out. Thanks coach.

Thanks ANZ! With a limited housing supply, and an inflating market, it doesn’t matter to you where the money comes from. So why not add to the lie that lack of access to home ownership is about some attitudinal failure by the young — rather than about levels of familial capital. Home ownership isn’t about generation, it’s about class. Of which ANZ shows very little.

Peter Fray

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Peter Fray
Editor-in-chief of Crikey