A public interest endeavour dedicated to the ongoing improvement of The Social Contract.

Please note the introduction of the following amendments to The Social Contract. These matters pertain specifically to Appendix H: Workplace Kitchen Etiquette.

Please note that the most important update to this area of jurisprudence is the section relating to Dishes Dissing, which explicitly precludes the “preparation, design or dissemination of any note, poster or artwork containing instructions or suggestions regarding the washing of dishes” under the following circumstances:

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(a) Where the note begins with the words “Okay people, here’s the thing”.

(b) Where the note is IN ALL CAPS and is longer than three lines long.

(c) Where the note aggressively references “dish fairies” and features Microsoft clip art of a stick figure holding a wand or a grumpy cat in a tutu.

It is also notable here that if you are lucky enough to know the “correct way” of stacking a dishwasher, that is a fact that you should keep to yourself (section 1.2.3 references a schedule of fines pertaining to “unhelpful office suggestions and aggressive unhelping”).

Please note the following qualifier, namely that “none of the foregoing in any way excuses deplorable workplace kitchen habits or the writing of short, declarative instructions to remind people how to be humans”. People are, according to section 2.1.1, “the absolute worst” and should be reminded, where possible, of the following in a workplace kitchen:

2.1.1.1: The legal definition of : “washing a cup” explicitly excludes “passing the cup through cold water” (2.1.1.2), “drowning the cup in soapy water and then placing the soap cloud (and hidden cup) on the drying rack” (2.1.1.3), and “bringing a collection of cups to the sink, performing dismay at the dishwasher being on, and leaving while pretending to answer a phone call” (2.1.1.4).

According to 3.1.1, “Persons who label their own food in the office fridge” shall attract a warning for the use of exclamations, a fine for written messages, and jail time for the use of printed labels.

By way of conclusion, it should be remembered that matters relating to office kitchen behaviour need to be understood, as is always the case in industrial law in this area, within the context of the overarching legal maxim: “If you can’t figure out who the office dick is, you are the office dick”.

Remember: ignorance of the law is no excuse. We look forward to the next important update.

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Peter Fray
Peter Fray
Editor-in-chief
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