A public interest endeavour dedicated to the ongoing improvement of The Social Contract.
Please note the introduction of the following amendments to The Social Contract. These matters pertain specifically to Appendix G: Social Media.
Please note the following important amendments:
Note that the definition of social media has changed. Whereas previously it was defined as “a platform for sharing information to an online community”, it is now defined (in 1.1.2) as “nihilist performance art”.
Get Crikey FREE to your inbox every weekday morning with the Crikey Worm.
There are many complex updates in this round of changes to social media law. The key points are as follows:
(1.2.1) Photographs of houses that look like they could be in architecture magazines (featuring, for example, impossibly tidy playrooms, golden light, colour-coded bookshelves, or clean wooden tables containing only a folded newspaper, a pencil, a cup of tea and a bowl of pears) appended with captions like “just another Saturday” will be deemed “misleading and deceptive conduct“ and shall be removed forthwith.
(2.1.1) Similarly, selfies containing freshly blow-dried hair, semi-formal outfits, sullen sideways looks, dark skies and black and white filters must not be captioned “Not feeling it today”.
(3.2.2) Appending a photograph of a city you have just arrived in with the caption “[City], I am in you” is now strictly against the law. Stop it immediately.
(3.2.5) The expression “Track my Run” is banned on all social media platforms.
(4.1.1) You will hereby cease posting comments with the words “Have not read the whole article but …”
(5.1.1) Any person or persons posting political lectures beginning, “Okay folks, enough is enough” or containing the hashtag “#justsaying” when outlining an opinion which can reasonably be presumed to be shared by over 70% of the person’s social media contacts, shall be forced to read only the comments on articles debating the validity of childhood vaccination for a period of two (2) weeks.
(6.1.1) The sooner a person posts “RIP SO SAD” after learning of the death of a famous person, the less they are deemed to care.
(7.1.3) Any human adult who describes something as having “broken the internets” is immediately liable for fines in excess of $1,000.
(8.1.1) Any radio presenter urging people to “jump on over to our Facebook page” and “join the conversation” shall be removed from his or her position without further negotiation.
Further updates are expected here, especially in relation to people who write in all caps, constant live-tweeters, and what to do if you accidentally get on Twitter during an episode of Q&A.
Remember. Ignorance of the law is no excuse.