Please note the introduction of the following amendments to The Social Contract. These matters pertain specifically to Appendix F: Shopping.

Please note the following important amendments:

Bit of a revelation for the citizenry in this first update. According to Part A (1.1.2), grapes, even when stolen individually by a person or persons performing a facial expression that implies some kind of serious taste-testing exercise is underway, are still considered property. This also applies (see 1.1.2(iii)) to “all varieties” of nuts. Expect this to be vigorously challenged in the courts in coming months.

Less controversially: any corporations, entities or persons who (whether with “ironic intention” or otherwise) play “any form or variety” of Christmas carol in a retail environment shall be taken from this place to another place and put to death.

In a development certain to attract the ire of the supermarket chains though, a new defence has been introduced against potential charges of damage to property where the automated repetition of the phrase “Please remove item from the bagging area” occurs in the absence of any item whatsoever being in the bagging area.

The device known colloquially as a “children’s trolley” is now classified (3.2.4) as a “dangerous weapon” and is is forthwith prohibited in the world in perpetuity no questions asked no worries thanks for playing.

Any retail professional who, in a clothing emporium, loudly asks “How was that EXTRA LARGE? Can I have a stickybeak? Oh wow! I’ve got that exact one at home but in an EXTRA SMALL!” while opening the little saloon doors and revealing a semi-nude customer with a garment part way over his or her head can now be fired on spec by any member of the public in or around the immediate vicinity (see section 8.3.1 “Citizen’s Dismissal”). This is an important exception to the hearsay rule.

Movements are underway to introduce measures that ensure chairs, couches, reading material and/or ready access to alcohol are supplied in every clothing outlet around the nation. Watch this space. Be aware there are more changes expected in this area over time, particularly in relation to the repeated, wilful and reckless squeezing of avocados and the regulation of lighting in the change-rooms in swimwear shops. Citizens are advised to keep an eye on this developing area of jurisprudence and remember: ignorance of the law is no excuse.

Peter Fray

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