Investigative humourist Ben Pobjie has used his special journalistic skills to unearth the explosive draft of Matthew Guy’s planned “Australian values” curriculum. Available soon in all good high schools.

Draft Curriculum, Australian Values Edition

© Matthew Guy, 2018

Module 1: Mateship Studies

Studying the theory and practice of mateship. How to make mates and how to be a mate. The history of mateship, special study of great mates throughout history, including Ned Kelly, Weary Dunlop and Denise Drysdale. Students tested on practical application: must demonstrate their ability to have and keep mates, as well as avoidance of dobbing. Beer included as an elective.

Module 2: Larrikinism

An extension of previous physical education modules. Students put through course of obstacles to test fitness for practical larrikinism. Requirements: at least 50% cheekiness score, demonstrated proficiency in nose-thumbing, ability to reconcile anti-authoritarian attitude with strict obedience to authority.

Module 3: Casual Racism

Study of multiculturalism and the ways in which it has gone too far. Comparative studies of the various ethnic groups making up Australian society with emphasis on what nicknames they need to lighten up about. Designed to instil within students an appreciation of different cultures’ inferiority to our own. Includes excursions to local mosques, temples and Immigration Museum to see who can take a joke and who can’t.

Module 4: Indigenous Studies

One-day course on the women’s 400m at the Sydney Olympics.

Module 5: Religious Education

This module focuses on comparative religion, examining the foundations and tenets of all the world’s major faiths. Includes AFL, NRL, the Bathurst 1000, My Kitchen Rules, home brewing and discount flights to Bali.

Module 6: World History

Includes: Australia’s victory at Gallipoli; Australia’s victory over the Nazis; Australia’s victory in Vietnam; Australia’s victory at the 1983 America’s Cup; Australia’s victory in Iraq; Russell Crowe’s Oscar acceptance speech.

Module 7: Science

“Climate Change: Myth or Hoax” deals with the complex debate around the field of climate science, covering all the available evidence and why there’s no time to read it today. Also includes segments on physics, with emphasis on its subservience to Australian law.