Depending on your taste in films, you’ll either be euphoric or devastated to hear that the Crocodile Dundee franchise is apparently being revamped, churned through the Hollywood movie factory and fed directly into our mouths like a horrible sausage.

Either way, it’s an excuse to rewatch The SimpsonsBart vs Australia episode.

Remakes and sequels are notoriously challenging for filmmakers — the 2013 Carrie reboot was artfully described as “no” and the recent Jumanji remake has had critics shouting “why is this happening?!”. While Screen Australia hasn’t confirmed anything, our trustworthy and definitely very real Los Angeles source informed us that last year Hogan was spotted sprinting around the city knocking on the exterior walls of film agencies screaming “Let me in, I’m the crocodile man!”

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While racing towards Paramount Pictures, his briefcase spilled open and just like that time we rummaged through Keith Urban’s wheelie bin to obtain medical history, we received an exclusive look at the rejected pitches that didn’t quite make it.

This Is A Knife: The Musical: after hearing of the success of the Muriel’s Wedding adaptation, Hogan’s plan to turn Mick Dundee into an all-singing, all-dancing sequel did not go down well with execs, despite his 49-minute sweaty pantomime.

Mick Dundee Is Here to Fuck Spiders: we’ve all heard the phrase, but where does it originate? Hogan attests the line was first uttered by himself during filming of the original film and refuses to be challenged on this.

Crocodile Dundee 4: 2 Fast, 2 Furious: a blatant attempt to replicate the success of the Fast & The Furious films, which are now up to their 67th film and part of a franchise that will outlive us all.

Walkabout Creek: Croc’s Revenge: this pitch proposed a gritty horror reboot as the latest sequel, with Hogan bringing along crudely designed puppets to the meeting made from papier mache and his own hair.

Meet Miss Dundee: an all-female reboot starring Julianne Moore and Sophie Monk, neither of whom had heard of this pitch and requested we please stop calling them.

Let’s Shamelessly Cash In On Desperate Nostalgia: enough said, really.

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Australia has spoken. We want more from the people in power and deserve a media that keeps them on their toes. And thank you, because it’s been made abundantly clear that at Crikey we’re on the right track.

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Peter Fray
Peter Fray
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