Investigative humourist Ben Pobjie has been given an exclusive sneak peek at Oprah’s draft speech for the announcement of her presidential candidacy. We doubted the authenticity of this document until we noted the inordinate number of references to “natural remedies” in the policy platform (classic Oprah). We publish it here in full.

My fellow a-MER-icaaaaaaaans!

It is with the same profound sense of humility that has characterised my entire career that I announce I will be seeking the Democratic nomination for President in 2020. I have taken this step after close consultation with my family, my friends, and Deepak Chopra, all of whom have assured me that a Winfrey Presidency is the only way forward for this great country of ours.

Some have questioned whether the Oprahfication of the White House is what Americans want. Let me assure you that I hear you, and I understand you, and I feel that what I hear is understandable when it comes to hearing what you understand from me. I may be only a humble billionaire media mogul, but my Book Club selection this week is the US Constitution, and I vow to uphold it in every way possible.

What are my policies? I’m glad you asked. First of all, it’s time to get America working again, and I believe that when it’s time to work, there’s nothing better than three deep cleansing breaths, and a strong, sincere daily affirmation. When I am President, every American will start the day by saying to the mirror, “I am worth it. I deserve this. I can do anything because I believe in myself.” This will be mandated in legislation and failure to do so will be punishable by prison terms. After speaking with members of Congress I believe I have the numbers to get this through.

What of the economy? I believe the economy is one of the most important elements of economic policy in the modern day, and my appointment of Doctor Philip McGraw as Treasury Secretary will ensure the smooth operation of our economic system. Fundamentally, there is nothing wrong with the American economy that cannot be fixed with natural remedies. As President, I will be replacing the Federal Reserve with an aromatherapy salon, to promote economic wellness. Do I plan to provide tax relief? Y’al better believe it! As Americans, you will be getting tax relief. And YOU will be getting tax relief, and YOU will be getting tax relief! Members of the press, check under your seat. Seriously, there’s a cheque under your seat.

As a Democratic President, I will be focused on improving the quality of life for the most disadvantaged Americans. My consultation with my proposed Secretary Of Education, Rhonda Byrne, has revealed that the best way to help the marginalised is to help them help themselves. One of my first priorities as President will therefore be to convince the homeless, the disabled, the unemployed and the working poor, to visualise a better life for themselves. They will be amazed at the change within hours.

I plan to bring both Republican and Democrat leaderships together in bipartisanship to build a new healthcare plan for all Americans, with the help of my Health Secretary Dr Mehmet Oz. We will ease the healthcare burden on families through a new plan that will combine the very best in homeopathic insurance — diluting premiums in water to enhance coverage — with a free service providing access to psychic communications with deceased doctors for low-income Americans who can’t afford a living one.

When it comes to foreign policy, I plan to take a very hard line on global issues, and my first act as president will be to pay visits to all of our allies to check out their amazing restaurants and the wonderful people living in foreign countries who are always so warm and welcoming, I love them all.

Together, I believe we can make the Winfrey White House a reality, and Make America Inspirational Again. More after these messages.

Peter Fray

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