Hannahkah is one of the most beautiful of the many Jewish festivals that mark Gods renegging on His every promise made to his people, and is known widely throughout the West through the medium of half-remembered RE classes, from which this account is taken.

The year was, in the Jewish calendar, 180 or -57 or 23,312 or something, and there was a man … um, there was a tribe, there’s a hill in it somewhere, and this was the time of the Princesses, and a man had a daughter named Hannah, or was it three daughters, or is that St.Nicholas? Now this was in the time of a tribe called the Macadamias, or possibly the Wannabees, maybe the Ramones, at a place called Kwanza. And lo, the Wannabes would call on the man with the daughter Hannah, to take her out in their chariot — or “car”, which is where that comes from, I guess, sure, why not? And lo, as the Wannabees returned Hannah in their car, the father would stand on the porch with a lit brazier, which is Hebrew for “menthol”, just so, y’know, and it gets hazy from here, but in commemoration of which we tell over eight days the eight jokes, and though there is really only enough laughter for one, it lasts all eight.

On the first day of Hannahkah, we say:

“How many Jewish Australian Princesses does it take to change a lightbulb? Two, one to get the real estate listings, and the other to phone and say ‘Daddy, I need a new apartment!'”

So it is written.

On the second day of Hannahkah we say:

An Englishman, a Frenchman and Morty Fishbein have got lost crossing the desert. After several days under the beating sun, the Englishman cries out “I’m so thirsty! I must have good English ale!”. The Frenchman cries out, “I’m so thirsty! I must have French champagne!” And Morty Fishbein cries out “I’m so thirsty! I must have diabetes!”

So it is written.

On the third day of Hannahkah we say:

One day, the villagers went to the rabbi and said “rabbi, why are we not allowed to eat pork?”And the rabbi said “We’re not? Uh oh”. 

So it is written.

On the fourth day of Hannahkah we say:

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They’re worth it!

So it is written.

On the fifth day of Hannahkah we say:

“Can we talk here? My third pregnancy was so tough! When my waters broke, my dog drowned! And he was in Detroit!”

So it is written.

On the sixth day of Hannahkah we say:

Hey, anyone here from out of town?

So it is written.

On the seventh day of Hannahkah, we say:

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to!

So it is written.

On the eighth day of Hannahkah we say:

What for a Jewish Australian Princess is the final stage of foreplay? Vacuuming.

Then all say boom tish.

Notes:
1. Traditional. 2. Al Boasberg. 3. Woody Allen. 4 and 7. Henny Youngman. 5. Joan Rivers. 8. Rachel Berger.

Peter Fray

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Peter Fray
Editor-in-chief of Crikey

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