A rustic self-contained dwelling separate from the main house, The Manger is a studio-plan holiday accommodation, with original furnishings and fixtures, local artisan fabrics, exposed brick walls, windows that open, always, a well half a mile away, rustic stone floors and no furniture. There is straw to sleep on in the main room. There is parking for your donkey in the main room. There are toilet facilities in the main room.
First, tell us a bit about yourself:
My wife Mary is the sole human being born without sin, and is with child which, following her impregnation by the creator of the Universe, will be born as both the God himself and his Son who will cause himself to be put to death by the people he created in order to expiate the sins he gave them, causing her to ascend to transitional Godhead status in two world religions.
Me, I’m a carpenter. Shelving, mostly. Bit of shop fitting.
Why have you come to BETHLEHEM?
Due to a wholly fictional Roman census which doesn’t stand up under even a few seconds scrutiny, we have returned to Bethlehem, the non-place of our birth, a journey reverse engineered into our narrative to create symmetry with Jewish exile, six centuries BMC (Before My Kid), which makes me ropable, especially if its a girl and thus of course all in vain, as I was hoping for a few days to take the tinnie out.
How many will be staying in THE MANGER?
Well, there’s my family so three to six depending on how many people God is this week, and three shepherds will be joining us, who tended to be about 13-14 years old in those/these days, so really looking forward to that, and their sheep, and three camels, so what did you say the bond was, and three old Iranian men who want to throw my child a party.
Will you be … hang on, what?
Three old Iranian men want to throw my child a, I guess its a zeroeth birthday party. They’ll be in fine colourful silk robes, with myrhh for rubbing, gold and frankincense. Frankincense is…
We know what frankincense is
Yeah but 40% of kids from the 1930s on don’t. They will think that Jesus was visited by three wise men and Frankenstein. They’ll see it in their heads, Lon Chaney clumping across the dunes. I-
You’re not worried about the myrrh?
Look, the kid’s the infant pretext version of a composite of several radical Essenic Jewish preachers from the Roman-Jewish upheavals of around 25 AMC. I mean, yeah nah.
Tell us about your likes, dislikes etc
Well my entire family is a repurposed version of a man-God myth arising from political changes in pharoanic rule recapitulated in turn through Isaiah to which book gospel writers conformed us, all flowing from the rich culture of Egypt … so, hummus.
Do you have any other questions for us?
Yeah, when we’re there, what’s open on Christmas?