Introducing the second in a new humour series by Lorin Clarke, writer, broadcaster and law graduate, formerly The Social Contract. As always, reader feedback is welcomed.

These matters pertain specifically to Appendix A: Domestic Chores.

Clause 7.6.1 (“Provision of Services: Dishwashing”) has been redrafted to close the “leaving things to soak” loophole and to incorporate the well established “it’s always about the dishes, but it’s never about the dishes” principal.

It should be noted that the ancient legal maxim, “Thou Shalt Not Leave Teabags in the Sink”, is now a strict liability offence throughout the world in perpetuity forever and ever amen (clause 8.1.1).

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The introduction of the “on, around or adjacent to” rule now applies “to all Domestic Chores notwithstanding any other considerations, including but not limited to ill-health, death, or whether or not a party was binge-watching Game of Thrones at the time”. Pursuant to this section, persons who leave items “on, around or adjacent to” the place where those items belong are found to have demonstrated knowledge of the crime they are committing (mens rea) and are therefore in breach of this segment — a criminal offence attracting significant jail time.

Clause 9.3.1 (“The leaving of piles”) stipulates that “the tidying of items into neat-looking piles” falls outside the definition of “cleaning up” (see also “You’re Kidding Nobody”, in Schedule B).

A “bathmat” is defined as a “small towel that temporarily protects the bathroom floor from water”, overriding previous interpretations of bathmat as “(a) a decorative item; or (b) a wet carpet that belongs on the floor forever”.

Pursuant to to clause 88(b) (“The Mediation Process”), for the purposes of any discussion regarding household chores, if either party makes reference to the other party’s family (or part thereof) or deploys (whether with malicious intent or not) the words “typical”, “pathetic” or “calm down”, that party is considered to be in breach of this agreement and, in the latter instance, to have established bona fide grounds for a good divorcing.

In the event of one party being unable to locate an item, that party must “under no circumstances” accuse the party who just cleaned up of “tidying up” said item or being responsible for losing it (see “You’re On Your Own Here Buddy” in “10.1.2: Damages”). The party who cleans the house after everybody else is asleep shall be fulsomely celebrated with, where possible, a ticker tape parade (see “Means of Celebration” including “The Surprise Clean” outlined in Schedule 8).

Note: the introduction of the much-awaited amendments, “Schedule 9: Gender Inequity: It’s Your Turn Now Lads”, are taking significant time to draft and will be announced at a beachside locale ASAP.

Remember: ignorance of the law is no excuse.