Australian Immigration Minister and noted disliker of marriage equality Peter Dutton has drafted new lyrics* to US rapper Macklemore’s hit song Same Love, in the hope the NRL might invite him to the grand final this Sunday to perform his own rendition at half time. You know, for balance.

When I was in the third grade I knew that I was straight

Cos I read the bible, my father was, and I called my friends “mate”

I told my mum, look of pride on my face

She’s like “Pete, you’ll be a Cabinet minister someday”

Yeah I guess she had a point, didn’t she?

Can tell I’m hetero by the shape of my head

I remember being bad at maths like all good straight guys are

My failing grades showed I’m not bent

But those who like the same sex

I can’t even figure the logistics

Who’s the man and who’s the woman, how do you make that decision?

How do you avoid the vengeful wrath of the God of your religion?

How do you engage in the sacred act of cell division?

Playing God, yeah, here I go

Australia the brave still likes the status quo

God loves all his children, but you know, there’s a limit

To paraphrase my favourite book, “No homo”

Believe me, I know

 

You can change

If you just try

You know you want to

My love, my love, my love

Adheres to the norm

 

If I was gay, I would hope my parents would hate me

Nobody likes it when their kids don’t act straightly

“Man, that’s gay,” I say pretty much daily

When I see effeminate children playing

Our culture’s founded on manly aggression

Yet these sissies want acceptance for ‘em?

Stop calling me a bigot behind the keys of your message board

I already told you that hurts my feelings, but you still ignore it

The gays are clearly the aggressor

Straight people are sick of this endless derision

Gays hating straights is the new racism

The same hate that made that guy nut Tony’s lip in

Human rights for everybody, but you guys are different

Try not to be yourself

When I was at church they taught me who’s going to Hell

That’s why gay partners don’t get to be anointed

God told me Himself not to let the boys in

But political correctness has rendered decent people voiceless

Afraid to speak up about having their marriages stolen

I might not be sane, but that’s not important

What matters is I stay away from gays, made sure I never caught it

 

You can change

If you just try

You know you want to

My love, my love, my love

Adheres to the norm

 

We won’t stop till the Yes case withdraws

We’ll keep marching

And not kissing other guys

Committed to the cause

Till the day Safe Schools is prohibited by law

When kids are walking around the hallway thinking they can wear dresses but they’re not girls

I’d rather die than live in a gender-fluid world

A postal survey isn’t going to solve it all

But it’s a damn good place to start

No law is going to change us

Not while I’m in Cabinet anyway

Whatever God you believe in

If you’re gay it’s the wrong one

Strip away the queer

Underneath that’s not real love

About time that we said No

 

You can change

If you just try

You know you want to

My love, my love, my love

Adheres to the norm

My love, my love, my love

Adheres to the norm

*As leaked to Crikey satirist-at-large Ben Pobjie

Peter Fray

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Editor-in-chief of Crikey

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