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Film & TV

Sep 22, 2017

LEAKED: Script from Mel Gibson’s embattled movie about the Oxford Dictionary

Secret documents reveal the plot of Mel Gibson's film about the Oxford Dictionary.

Director Farhad Sarfinia is suing the producers of Mel Gibson’s new film The Professor and The Madman, seeking to have the producers’ cut destroyed.

Sarfinia claims the film, which depicts the creation of the Oxford English Dictionary, does not reflect his original vision.

Crikey has exclusively obtained the script of the original cut, which reflects the vision of Gibson and Sarfinia in which Gibson plays the titular professor. We reproduce an excerpt below.

THE PROFESSOR AND THE MADMAN (GIBSON DRAFT)

INT. OXFORD UNIVERSITY. Pacing before his desk is PROFESSOR JAMES MURRAY (Mel Gibson). He is a man on the edge, so agitated and upset that you almost don’t notice how handsome he is. He slams his fist on the desk.

PROFESSOR

Dammit, when will this dictionary be FINISHED?

Enter ASSISTANT, a young woman who is deeply in love with the Professor.

ASSISTANT

I have bad news, Professor.

PROFESSOR

No!

ASSISTANT

A telegram from Prague. Your colleague and best friend Dr Hamilton has been blown up by assassins while researching the letter Q.

PROFESSOR

Dammit, without Q this dictionary will be a goddamn FARCE!

He angrily sweeps all his books off his desk, draws his gun and fires several shots into the wall in rage.

PROFESSOR

Pack your bags, We’re going to Prague.

(close up on his narrowed eyes)

And this time…it’s personal.

A sudden CRASH as the office WINDOW shatters and the MADMAN leaps into the room. He is naked and drooling, with long matted hair and a full beard. He carries an enormous stone machete.

MADMAN

Professor! We meet at last!

PROFESSOR

Madman! I knew this day would come. I knew the Jews would catch up with me.

MADMAN

I’m here to stop your so-called dictionary, Professor. Your plan to disseminate education to the world interferes with our plans to cause all the world’s wars.

PROFESSOR

Bring it on, hombre!

The Professor rips off his shirt, revealing an amazingly toned physique for his age. He brushes his hair forward and does an impression of Curly from the Three Stooges. From the wall he grabs an enormous scimitar and strikes the Madman on the head with it. A huge slow-motion fountain of blood gushes from the wound. Close-up on the flowing blood for three minutes or so.

MADMAN

Aieeeeee! Is that all you’ve got?

The Madman swings his machete, severing the Professor’s leg.

PROFESSOR

It’s no good, Madman. You will never stop my lifelong quest to bring lexicographical precision into the mainstream. My dictionary WILL be published!

He swings at the Madman again, cutting off his left arm. The Assistant screams and leaps out the window in terror. From outside we see the explosion of her hitting the ground.

MADMAN

You’re next, Professor!

He draws a pistol from out of his beard and fires several shots in the Professor’s torso. Riddled with bullet holes, the Professor drops his sword and staggers backwards and through his office wall, crashing into the next room, a storage cupboard filled with gunpowder.

PROFESSOR

The pen..is mightier…than…the sword!

He pulls a pen from his pocket and hurls it at the Madman, who screams as the pen goes into his eye and burrows deep into his brain in slow motion. Taking advantage of his foe’s momentary confusion, the Professor pulls an Uzi from his trousers and lets loose with a five-minute continuous stream of fire. The Madman’s body jerks and dances with the impact of the hundreds of bullets striking it. When the Uzi is out of ammunition, the still-surprisingly-sprightly Madman springs at the Professor.

MADMAN

You’ll pay for that, Professor, as you’ll pay for your perverted love of words!

The Madman buries his machete in the Professor’s skull, where it becomes stuck. As the Madman tries to pull it free, the Professor chuckles darkly, and reaches to pick up a barrel of gunpowder. He pours the powder down the Madman’s throat, and then lights a match and tosses it into his mouth.

EXT. OXFORD UNIVERSITY.

The University explodes. As the smoke clears, we see the Professor emerging from the rubble, bloodied but triumphant. He holds in his hand his dictionary. He looks down at it and smiles. The camera zooms in on the page that the book is open to. It is the entry for “PAYBACK”.

PROFESSOR

I’m getting too old for this shit.

Fade to black.

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One thought on “LEAKED: Script from Mel Gibson’s embattled movie about the Oxford Dictionary

  1. George Theobald

    We don’t have a cinema here in Cooktown. I hope this will be out on DVD. Love old-fashioned black and red movies.

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