Satirist and scoop wunderkind Ben Pobjie has unearthed this document from Bauer Media and Nine Entertainment, which lists the Logies bid details as pitched by the New South Wales and Queensland governments. (The way you can tell this is a genuine leak and not made-up nonsense is that Crikey always uses semi-colons at the end of list items. But see here, no semi-colons. What more proof do you need?)

New South Wales

  • Five million dollars paid towards the staging of the Logies ceremony, half in cash and half in meat trays
  • Ceremony to be held in Dubbo, at the Western Plains Zoo
  • Total access for Logies organisers to zoo animals for the ceremony. Winners to be carried to stage by elephant
  • All guests to receive gift basket sponsored by Dubbo 7-Eleven, including free small Slurpee, Kleenex travel pack, and litre bottle of Valvoline
  • Musical entertainment from regional NSW’s most popular acts: The Flumpkin Family Band, Cheryl And The Wheat Crackers, and Shannon Noll
  • Logies ceremony to be combined with Dubbo National Steer Show, to maximise attendance for both. Winners from best New Talent up to receive one free steer as well as statuette
  • Free flights for all attendees via partnership with FlyPelican (all attendees will be required to appear in TVCs for FlyPelican in perpetuity)

Queensland

  • Contribution of ten million dollars’ worth of Bacardi Breezers
  • To defray costs, ceremony will be pirate-themed fancy-dress party and filmed as a scene in the new Pirates of the Caribbean sequel
  • Hosted by Warwick Capper
  • New statuettes to be commissioned in the shape of Surfers Paradise Meter Maids
  • Tickets for Logies to be given away free to Schoolies with every pack of condoms
  • Pack of condoms to given away free to television personalities with every ticket
  • Logies to be officially classified as an event in the Commonwealth Games, thus boosting Australia’s medal count
  • Attendees given gift baskets from Warner Bros Movie World, including Looney Tunes Classics Vol. VI DVD, plush Marvin the Martian, Scooby Doo keyring
  • Gold Logie winner to be made CEO of Dreamworld
  • White-shoe dress code
  • “Outstanding News Coverage” category to be replaced by surfing
  • Guaranteed 75%+ of awards to be won by Home & Away

Peter Fray

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Peter Fray
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