Satirist Ben Pobjie has come into possession of secret Australian Christian Lobby talking points to use to shut down your ideological enemies and prosecute the No case in the marriage equality debate. Ben assures as that they are 100% genuine — and you’ll see them in action used by such fellow-travelers as Mark Latham, Tony Abbott, Eric Abetz and today Paul Kelly — so that’s good enough for us.
- Take every opportunity to connect gay marriage to political correctness. If politicians allow gay marriage, then it must be politically correct. Nobody wants to be politically correct, so once you point this out they will agree with you.
- Note that gay marriage will prevent freedom of speech. If gay people get married, you will no longer be free to say, “Those gay people are not married”. This is censorship and against classical liberalism.
- Ask pointed intelligent questions about gender fluidity. For example, “If gender-fluid people can get married, how will we stop gender fluids in schools?” Or, “What if two transgender people want to get married?” Or, “What is a gender?” Also point out that “Same-sex marriage” will allow intersex marriage, which is when a person who is both sexes marries him/herself or something.
- Use clever hypotheticals. E.g. if gay people can get married, what is to stop a man marrying the Sydney Harbour Bridge? This is a good point because nobody has any good answer for it. Other analogies are: if gay people get married then people can marry dogs; if gay people can get married then people can marry hundreds of other people at once; if gay people can get married Kevin Andrews’ cycling club will have to disband, etc.
- Warn about religious freedom. If gay marriage is allowed, then many churches will be forced to perform gay marriages that they do not believe in. Many people who have religious objections to gayness will be forced to love gayness because of the law. People whose religion forbids homosexual intercourse will have to have sex with homosexuals under threat of imprisonment. Show proof by supplying copies of the draft legislation that specifies this. Also point out that in countries where gay marriage has been legalised, bakers are being forced to make cakes against their will. Ask your friends: do you want to live in a country that mandates non-consensual patisserie?
- Talk about the children. Point out that marriage is for the purpose of procreation. Use anatomy charts to show that gay people cannot reproduce. Ask questions like, “Why should a small minority of gay people be allowed to steal our children just because they want to get married?” Cite statistics that show that children raised by gay couples are more likely to be criminals.
- Raise concerns about the sanctity of marriage. Do not make these concerns explicit; just raise them, in an ominous voice.
- Point out that actually gay people are the intolerant ones. Dust off your hands.