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Victoria

Aug 11, 2017

LEAKED: Transcript of Matthew Guy's dinner at The Lobster Cave

A transcript of a thoroughly proper dinner between gentlemen with no ulterior motives whatsoever.

Satirist Ben Pobjie has come into possession of a transcript of a conversation that occurred at the The Lobster Cave, Beaumaris, where Victorian Opposition Leader Matthew Guy was dining. He swears it is genuine, and he’s threatened to put a horse’s head in our beds if we don’t run it, so herewith, what was said over lobster and Grange. 

FRANK LAMATTINA: Good evening, Mr Guy.

MATTHEW GUY: Good evening, Frank. What a lovely seafood restaurant you’ve chosen for this friendly dinner.

LAMATTINA: Yes, we certainly like it here. You should try the Ferg Burger. It’s got lobster and steak AND scampi!

GUY: Goodness, how lavish.

LAMATTINA: May I introduce my cousin Tony?

ANTHONY MADAFFERI: Hello.

GUY: Hello Tony, pleased to meet you. I have never met you before.

MADAFFERI: That is certainly true.

LAMATTINA: You both sound like you are telling the truth.

GUY: What do you do for a living, Tony?

MADAFFERI: I’m a market gardener.

GUY: That sounds like an interesting job.

MADAFFERI: Yes. It is. I enjoy it because it gets me out in the open air, and I am working with plants, my first love.

GUY: I envy you your freedom.

MADAFFERI: What do you do, Mr Guy?

GUY: I am the Victorian Opposition Leader.

MADAFFERI: Goodness gracious, what an important job that is. I do not know anything about that because I have never met a politician before — I do not mix in such circles.

LAMATTINA: That sounds like a very true thing to me.

BILL FERG, PROPRIETOR OF THE LOBSTER CAVE: What’ll it be, gentleman?

MADAFFERI: I will have a Ferg Burger.

LAMATTINA: I will have the Grilled Sea Ferg.

GUY: I will have the Ferginator with extra Guanciale.

FERG: Excellent. Have a Fergtastic evening.

MADAFFERI: As I was saying, I do not ever talk to politicians because I am a market gardener so I have no need to.

GUY: Impressive of you to admit that. But let’s get down to why we’re here, Frank.

LAMATTINA: You mean …

GUY: Yes.

LAMATTINA: The business of …

GUY: Yes

LAMATTINA: Several men enjoying each other’s company in total innocence?

GUY: Exactly.

LAMATTINA: Yes, let’s talk about that. I personally have never donated to a political party with the intention of currying favour or gaining undue influence. Have you?

MADAFFERI: I certainly haven’t.

GUY: That’s a coincidence, because as Opposition Leader and a former state government minister, I have lost count of the number of times when I have not accepted cash for favours in any form. Sometimes it seems like my job is just a neverending whirl of doing nothing improper whatsoever.

MADAFFERI: You must work very hard.

GUY: It is very astute of you to notice that, Tony, especially in light of the fact that I don’t know who you are and had no idea you would be here tonight. Ah, here are our various crustacean-beef creations.

Several hours of chewing

MADAFFERI: What a marvellous meal. Can anything be better than a good meal among good company? I’d say not, unless it is the satisfaction of abiding by all current laws and statutes.

GUY: Mm, I enjoy that too.

MADAFFERI: We have a lot in common. We should hang out sometime.

GUY: I’d like that, but remind me before we do to make the plans publicly available so there is no appearance of concealment, as that is anathema to me.

MADAFFERI: I as well. Transparency is my middle name.

GUY: Well, I must be going. I have an early start in the morning, chairing the parliamentary Accountability Committee.

LAMATTINA: Just let me settle the bill.

GUY: Oh, let me.

MADAFFERI: I can pay — the market garden business has been quite good lately, so I have a bit of spare cash.

LAMATTINA: No, I will pay for the food and the wine. But you must promise me something, Mr Guy.

GUY: What’s that?

LAMATTINA: You have to promise not to implement any shifts in policy that could be construed as being in my favour or that of my family!

GUY: Haha!

MADAFFERI: Haha!

GUY: This has been such a fun evening. My favourite part was the innocence.

MADAFFERI and LAMATTINA: Mine too!

They leave arm in arm.

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4 comments

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4 thoughts on “LEAKED: Transcript of Matthew Guy’s dinner at The Lobster Cave

  1. Richard Thompson

    Ahh, I read it in Crikey so it must be true!!!

  2. klewso

    “We’ll make him an omelette he can’t refuse.”

  3. Elizabeth Thornton

    It must be FACT because these days nothing else will do ! Just ask Mr.Murdoch who is himself partial to some LOBSTER ON THE SIDE

  4. Elizabeth Thornton

    It must be FACT because these days nothing else will do ! Just ask Mr.Murdoch who is himself partial to some LOBSTER ON THE SIDE

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