Satirist Ben Pobjie has come into possession of a transcript of a conversation that occurred at the The Lobster Cave, Beaumaris, where Victorian Opposition Leader Matthew Guy was dining. He swears it is genuine, and he’s threatened to put a horse’s head in our beds if we don’t run it, so herewith, what was said over lobster and Grange. 

FRANK LAMATTINA: Good evening, Mr Guy.

MATTHEW GUY: Good evening, Frank. What a lovely seafood restaurant you’ve chosen for this friendly dinner.

LAMATTINA: Yes, we certainly like it here. You should try the Ferg Burger. It’s got lobster and steak AND scampi!

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GUY: Goodness, how lavish.

LAMATTINA: May I introduce my cousin Tony?

ANTHONY MADAFFERI: Hello.

GUY: Hello Tony, pleased to meet you. I have never met you before.

MADAFFERI: That is certainly true.

LAMATTINA: You both sound like you are telling the truth.

GUY: What do you do for a living, Tony?

MADAFFERI: I’m a market gardener.

GUY: That sounds like an interesting job.

MADAFFERI: Yes. It is. I enjoy it because it gets me out in the open air, and I am working with plants, my first love.

GUY: I envy you your freedom.

MADAFFERI: What do you do, Mr Guy?

GUY: I am the Victorian Opposition Leader.

MADAFFERI: Goodness gracious, what an important job that is. I do not know anything about that because I have never met a politician before — I do not mix in such circles.

LAMATTINA: That sounds like a very true thing to me.

BILL FERG, PROPRIETOR OF THE LOBSTER CAVE: What’ll it be, gentleman?

MADAFFERI: I will have a Ferg Burger.

LAMATTINA: I will have the Grilled Sea Ferg.

GUY: I will have the Ferginator with extra Guanciale.

FERG: Excellent. Have a Fergtastic evening.

MADAFFERI: As I was saying, I do not ever talk to politicians because I am a market gardener so I have no need to.

GUY: Impressive of you to admit that. But let’s get down to why we’re here, Frank.

LAMATTINA: You mean …

GUY: Yes.

LAMATTINA: The business of …

GUY: Yes

LAMATTINA: Several men enjoying each other’s company in total innocence?

GUY: Exactly.

LAMATTINA: Yes, let’s talk about that. I personally have never donated to a political party with the intention of currying favour or gaining undue influence. Have you?

MADAFFERI: I certainly haven’t.

GUY: That’s a coincidence, because as Opposition Leader and a former state government minister, I have lost count of the number of times when I have not accepted cash for favours in any form. Sometimes it seems like my job is just a neverending whirl of doing nothing improper whatsoever.

MADAFFERI: You must work very hard.

GUY: It is very astute of you to notice that, Tony, especially in light of the fact that I don’t know who you are and had no idea you would be here tonight. Ah, here are our various crustacean-beef creations.

Several hours of chewing

MADAFFERI: What a marvellous meal. Can anything be better than a good meal among good company? I’d say not, unless it is the satisfaction of abiding by all current laws and statutes.

GUY: Mm, I enjoy that too.

MADAFFERI: We have a lot in common. We should hang out sometime.

GUY: I’d like that, but remind me before we do to make the plans publicly available so there is no appearance of concealment, as that is anathema to me.

MADAFFERI: I as well. Transparency is my middle name.

GUY: Well, I must be going. I have an early start in the morning, chairing the parliamentary Accountability Committee.

LAMATTINA: Just let me settle the bill.

GUY: Oh, let me.

MADAFFERI: I can pay — the market garden business has been quite good lately, so I have a bit of spare cash.

LAMATTINA: No, I will pay for the food and the wine. But you must promise me something, Mr Guy.

GUY: What’s that?

LAMATTINA: You have to promise not to implement any shifts in policy that could be construed as being in my favour or that of my family!

GUY: Haha!

MADAFFERI: Haha!

GUY: This has been such a fun evening. My favourite part was the innocence.

MADAFFERI and LAMATTINA: Mine too!

They leave arm in arm.