Satirist Ben Pobjie has come into possession of a transcript of a conversation that occurred at the The Lobster Cave, Beaumaris, where Victorian Opposition Leader Matthew Guy was dining. He swears it is genuine, and he’s threatened to put a horse’s head in our beds if we don’t run it, so herewith, what was said over lobster and Grange.
FRANK LAMATTINA: Good evening, Mr Guy.
MATTHEW GUY: Good evening, Frank. What a lovely seafood restaurant you’ve chosen for this friendly dinner.
LAMATTINA: Yes, we certainly like it here. You should try the Ferg Burger. It’s got lobster and steak AND scampi!
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GUY: Goodness, how lavish.
LAMATTINA: May I introduce my cousin Tony?
ANTHONY MADAFFERI: Hello.
GUY: Hello Tony, pleased to meet you. I have never met you before.
MADAFFERI: That is certainly true.
LAMATTINA: You both sound like you are telling the truth.
GUY: What do you do for a living, Tony?
MADAFFERI: I’m a market gardener.
GUY: That sounds like an interesting job.
MADAFFERI: Yes. It is. I enjoy it because it gets me out in the open air, and I am working with plants, my first love.
GUY: I envy you your freedom.
MADAFFERI: What do you do, Mr Guy?
GUY: I am the Victorian Opposition Leader.
MADAFFERI: Goodness gracious, what an important job that is. I do not know anything about that because I have never met a politician before — I do not mix in such circles.
LAMATTINA: That sounds like a very true thing to me.
BILL FERG, PROPRIETOR OF THE LOBSTER CAVE: What’ll it be, gentleman?
MADAFFERI: I will have a Ferg Burger.
LAMATTINA: I will have the Grilled Sea Ferg.
GUY: I will have the Ferginator with extra Guanciale.
FERG: Excellent. Have a Fergtastic evening.
MADAFFERI: As I was saying, I do not ever talk to politicians because I am a market gardener so I have no need to.
GUY: Impressive of you to admit that. But let’s get down to why we’re here, Frank.
LAMATTINA: You mean …
LAMATTINA: The business of …
LAMATTINA: Several men enjoying each other’s company in total innocence?
LAMATTINA: Yes, let’s talk about that. I personally have never donated to a political party with the intention of currying favour or gaining undue influence. Have you?
MADAFFERI: I certainly haven’t.
GUY: That’s a coincidence, because as Opposition Leader and a former state government minister, I have lost count of the number of times when I have not accepted cash for favours in any form. Sometimes it seems like my job is just a neverending whirl of doing nothing improper whatsoever.
MADAFFERI: You must work very hard.
GUY: It is very astute of you to notice that, Tony, especially in light of the fact that I don’t know who you are and had no idea you would be here tonight. Ah, here are our various crustacean-beef creations.
Several hours of chewing
MADAFFERI: What a marvellous meal. Can anything be better than a good meal among good company? I’d say not, unless it is the satisfaction of abiding by all current laws and statutes.
GUY: Mm, I enjoy that too.
MADAFFERI: We have a lot in common. We should hang out sometime.
GUY: I’d like that, but remind me before we do to make the plans publicly available so there is no appearance of concealment, as that is anathema to me.
MADAFFERI: I as well. Transparency is my middle name.
GUY: Well, I must be going. I have an early start in the morning, chairing the parliamentary Accountability Committee.
LAMATTINA: Just let me settle the bill.
GUY: Oh, let me.
MADAFFERI: I can pay — the market garden business has been quite good lately, so I have a bit of spare cash.
LAMATTINA: No, I will pay for the food and the wine. But you must promise me something, Mr Guy.
GUY: What’s that?
LAMATTINA: You have to promise not to implement any shifts in policy that could be construed as being in my favour or that of my family!
GUY: This has been such a fun evening. My favourite part was the innocence.
MADAFFERI and LAMATTINA: Mine too!
They leave arm in arm.