Did you know you could be ruled ineligible for election for not technically being an extant human? Poor Adam Bandt. In this bold and timely exclusive, investigative satirist Ben Pobjie reveals eight pitiable letters of resignation from every single remaining federal Greens member. Amazing!

Statement from Senator Richard Di Natale

It is with a heavy heart that I announce my resignation from the Australian Senate, and also from the leadership of the Australian Greens. Unfortunately while undergoing a review of party processes, it was discovered that I am an Italian citizen. This oversight was mine entirely, and in retrospect my name should’ve been a giveaway. I apologise to my colleagues and supporters. I am assured the Greens are putting protocols in place to prevent a recurrence of this issue.

Richard Di Natale, ex-Senator

 

Statement from Senator Rachel Siewert

I regret to announce that I am resigning from the Australian Senate, effective immediately, having been informed by our legal team that I am technically a citizen of Kyrgyzstan. On a holiday to that country some years ago, I participated in what I believed was a charming local folk dance. It is only this week that I have discovered it was actually a citizenship ceremony. I apologise to my colleagues, voters, and most of all the Kyrgyz people who I have neglected for all these years.

Yours,

R. Siewert

 

Statement from Adam Bandt, MP

I have this morning received some distressing news from the Registry of Births, Deaths and Marriages. Due to an oversight, it appears that my birth was never registered, and that I therefore do not technically exist. Bearing this in mind, I feel I cannot, in good conscience, continue to serve my constituency, and I am stepping down to allow a more existent person to fulfil the duties of a Member of Parliament. Thank you for your support.

 

Statement from Senator Peter Whish-Wilson

This is a statement I had hoped never to make. However, the facts cannot be denied. A recent routine perusal of my bank statements has revealed that for the last decade I have been an employee of the Pakistani Taliban. This was never my intention, but I feel that there is an appearance of conflict of interest that cannot be denied. I therefore offer my resignation.

Peter Whish-Wilson, Senator/Sleeper

 

Statement from Senator Nick McKim

The Senator would like it to be known that due to the recent discovery that he is only 14 years old, he feels it appropriate to step down and declare his Senate seat vacant. He asks that the press respect his privacy and that of his family, who are now under investigation.

 

Statement from Senator Lee Rhiannon

I am extremely proud of the work I have done on behalf of the people of New South Wales and Australia, and I will always treasure my time in the Senate. However, I believe I have no choice but to leave this position, after news that came to my attention late yesterday. The substance of this news, which was communicated to me by anonymous but impeccable sources, was that I have for 50 years been living a double life, combining my existence as the politician Lee Rhiannon with my existence as Pastor Edwin Smooth of Little Mugsley, Staffordshire. Although this was purely unintentional — at the time of nominating for the Senate I was unaware that I was also Pastor Smooth and unfortunately the vetting process did not pick up on the fact == I take full responsibility and think it only fair to the party and the nation that I resign.

Sincerely,

Lee Rhiannon/Pastor Edwin Smooth

 

Statement from Senator Sarah Hanson-Young

Words are not sufficient to express the depth of my regret at having to leave the Senate that I love so dearly. Unfortunately a letter from my doctor informs me that recent medical tests have revealed that I am a member of a hitherto unknown species. Scientists are still working to determine the exact nature of the species that I apparently belong to, and whether I am of terrestrial or alien origin, but given the rules of the Senate are clear that only humans may occupy seats, my duty is clear. I thank Australia for all the wonderful times I have had among the strange and colourful creatures of this planet.

 

Statement from Senator Janet Rice

I hereby announce my resignation from the Senate due to advice I have received indicating that there is no such person as “Janet Rice”.