Peter Dutton

New, shocking and almost certainly made-up-for-comedic-purposes* details have emerged about the new national security super ministry Malcolm Turnbull is creating, which is to be helmed by Peter Dutton. Crikey is proud to publish this alarming and dubious document below.

Cabinet Paper: Reorganisation of Australian Security Forces

The Department of Prime Minister and Cabinet has formulated a plan for the reorganisation of Australia’s security agencies. This plan is designed to streamline security operations throughout the Australian government and provide a safer, more secure environment for all Australians, and the Prime Minister himself in particular. The details of this plan contained hereunder.

ITEM ONE: Creation of a “super-department” responsible for ASIO, Australian Border Force, the Australian Federal Police, the Australian Criminal Intelligence Commission, and AUSTRAC.

ITEM TWO: Immediate Senate Inquiry to determine what, if anything, is “AUSTRAC”.

ITEM THREE: The super-department to be the responsibility of The Honourable Peter Dutton. Given the nature of the super-department, Dutton to be referred to officially from hereon in as “the super-minister”.

ITEM FOUR: The Immigration Department to lose responsibility for border protection, focusing on integration and citizenship — recognising that the purpose of the new super-department is to render issues of integration and citizenship largely hypothetical.

ITEM FIVE: In recognition of the super-minister’s new responsibilities, the Immigration Department to be renamed in all official documents “The Department for the Unimportant Bits of Immigration”.

ITEM SIX: The new department to also take in the Computer Emergency Response Team and the Australian Cyber Security Centre, once we get our router working.

ITEM SEVEN: Super-Minister The Honourable Peter Dutton to be given power to personally oversee on-water operations, processing of asylum applications, and the rubber hose.

ITEM EIGHT: The super-department to include a specialised unit, comprised of elite security forces and highly trained military personnel, responsible for intercepting uncalled-for potato jokes and prosecuting those responsible.

ITEM NINE: The super-department to launch a co-ordinated public relations blitz, to raise public awareness of security issues, border protection, anti-terrorism measures being undertaken now and in the future, and the higher virility of bald men.

ITEM TEN: The super-department will be considered senior to other departments, and it will be a statutory requirement for ministers in lesser portfolios to avert their eyes and bend their knees slightly when the super-minister passes by.

ITEM ELEVEN: The super-minister will at no time engage in planning of leadership challenges or number-crunching, as he will be far too busy with his new duties and anyway he promised.

ITEM TWELVE: The super-minister will have the power, during terrorist attacks, to call in military units. He will also have the power, during terrorist attacks, to divert resources of any other departments to anti-terror actions. He will also have the power, during terrorist attacks, to personally drive a tank.

ITEM THIRTEEN: The super-minister to get a new car. A big one.

*Though Ben Pobjie, “investigative satirist” (his words) and supposed acquirer of this alleged government document, assures us this information is “80% investigative” and only “20% satire” …

Peter Fray

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Peter Fray
Editor-in-chief of Crikey