Crikey has been forwarded* an unverified memo regarding the Gonski legislation, allegedly written by Malcolm Turnbull. Its doubtful authenticity had us worried, so we contacted our super secret source to ask for corroborating evidence. But he’s out on a walk right now and unfortunately “left the proof in [his] other trackies”. This never would’ve happened in Spotlight …


From: Malcolm Turnbull, Prime Minister

To: All Coalition Members, House and Senate


Please be advised that the government has secured the support of Pauline Hanson’s One Nation to facilitate the passage of education legislation through Parliament. In order to gain this support, the government has been obliged to make certain minor changes to education policy. The Prime Minister and Cabinet believe that these changes will strengthen our education package and provide a strong future both for the education sector and for the Liberal-National Coalition. It is important that all members be fully across these changes in the event that the media asks for detail about them, so this memo represents an outline of the tweaks which Ms Hanson and her party requested in exchange for their support. In essence:

  • Children with autism will no longer be allowed in mainstream classrooms, so as to not take teachers away from their prime duty of teaching Australian values to non-autistic children. Children with autism will be placed in special classes to learn to do sums incredibly quickly and play the piano, which Ms Hanson understands to be the main things that autistic people do.
  • Teachers will no longer be allowed to make students feel good. Any student caught feeling good will be severely disciplined under the new Constructive Cruelty Act 2017.
  • As per directions from Ms Hanson’s colleague Senator Malcolm Roberts, boys will no longer be permitted to attend school between the ages of 4 and 18.
  • Furthermore, the education system will return to competitive federalism, with the states to compete to be the best at education, and whatever state gets the best exam results to receive all the federal funding for the following year.
  • In line with One Nation’s pertinent observation that West Germany made better cars than East Germany after being liberated by Ludwig Erhard, a working committee will be set up to investigate the feasibility of Ludwig Erhard being made Minister of Education. Senator Roberts to chair this committee.
  • Every student to be given a Mercedes.
  • A return to teaching about the Constitution to be mandated in every school. Students who are found to be ignorant of the Constitution to be declared autistic.
  • Teachers to be given bonuses for liberating the human spirit.
  • Computers and calculators to be banned, and students to undertake mandatory work experience in Pauline Hanson’s shop with the electricity off to make sure they can add up.

Apart from this, the legislation remains essentially the same.

*via satirist Ben Pobjie