Crikey has acquired* a copy of Andrew Bolt’s daily planner for June 8. It isn’t technically verified, but then again neither is Bolt’s claims that the men who attacked him on June 7 were “fascists”.

5am: Wake up. Shower. Use waterproof iPad to blog about Leftie punks and how they need a good smashing.

5.30am: Breakfast of raw eggs and beef, to give me the strength I need to take down the intolerant Left.

6am: Weight session while listening to The Ring Cycle and crying.

7am: Go for a run. Remember to bring nunchucks in case meet Leftists.

7.15am: Stop for second breakfast of smoked salmon and truffles.

9.30am: Continue run.

10am: Arrive home and have another shower, this one freezing cold to help inoculate me against the cold hearts of modern Grievance Culture Warriors.

10.30am: Crossbow target practice.

11am: Stare into mirror, practise different ways of saying, “You looking for trouble, Warmist?” Try to perfect the knife sliding out of the sleeve into the hand on “Warmist”. Work on getting pronunciation more gravelly, more Bronson-y.

11.30am: Eat lunch — rabbit terrine — in steam room while listening to Die Meistersinger von Nurnberg. Retouch face of Tony Abbott carved into abdomen.

12pm: Boxing class.

12.30pm: Write column inviting anyone who wants to argue with me about the racist of the Stolen Generation Myth to come visit the gun show (remember to ask editors to insert photo of my arms).

1pm: Krav Maga training. Remember to get sparring partner to wear Tim Flannery mask.

1.45pm: More mirror work. Determine which face is scarier to Leftists: my “De Niro” face or my “Busey” face. Practise spinning pool cue in menacing fashion.

2.30pm: Write blog post challenging Sarah Hanson-Young to come and have a go if she is hard enough.

3pm: Put on Tristan und Isolde while I paint my face to resemble that of a vengeful demon.

5pm: Dinner, confit thigh of pheasant. Pray to God to give me strength to do what must be done, and to send the souls of my victims to Hell where they belong.

6pm: Strap on pistols, grab baseball bat, put on helmet.

6.10pm: Set out on nightly street patrol.

6.30pm-4.30am: Cleanse this town of its sickness.

*As discovered by world-class investigative satirist Ben Pobjie

Peter Fray

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