where is Schapelle Corby

News outlets all over Australia have been jockeying for exclusive Schapelle Corby-related content, but many have gone home empty-handed. Luckily for Crikey, we’ve got our best man* on the case.

8am: Schapelle wakes up.

8.01am: Schapelle glances at clock.

8.02am: Schapelle goes back to sleep.

8.03am: Schapelle continues sleeping.

8.04am: Schapelle continues sleeping.

8.05am-8.17am: REDACTED

8.18am: Schapelle wakes up again.

8.19am: Schapelle stands up.

8.20am: Schapelle scratches section of anatomy (body part yet to be confirmed, more on this as it develops, continue refreshing Crikey.com.au for news)

8.21am: Schapelle drinks from glass of what is believed to be water.

8.22am: Schapelle checks Facebook.

8.23am: Schapelle reflects on the explosion of barbarism that has occurred in Western civilisation during her exile.

8.24am: Schapelle puts bread in toaster.

8.25am: Schapelle waits for bread to toast.

8.26am: Schapelle spreads butter on toast, eats it.

8.27am: Schapelle runs shower.

8.28am-8.46am: for access to this time period, subscribe to our Crikey Adults Only service

8.47am: Schapelle checks Facebook again.

8.48am: Schapelle weeps for humanity.

8.49am: Schapelle screams as hideous creature from the depths of Hell walks through front door.

8.50am: Schapelle says “hello” to her brother.

8.51am: Schapelle looks out window to count assembled media.

8.52am: Schapelle displays finger in a manner conventionally considered obscene.

8.53am: Schapelle posts Instagram shot of her smiling face, #blessed #makeeverydaycount #Lorealyoureworthit

8.54am: Schapelle sits on couch.

8.55am: Schapelle gently rubs nose.

8.56am: Schapelle makes soft sighing sound.

8.57am: Schapelle picks up That’s Life! magazine.

8.58am: Schapelle expresses disbelief that Pam of Port Douglas was so foolish as to believe smooth-talking Julio’s lies.

8.59am: Schapelle peels banana.

9am: Schapelle eats banana.

9.01am: Schapelle says to brother, “That was a good banana.”

9.02am: Sounds of shouting, screaming, punching, kicking, clash of steel on steel, cannon fire from outside.

9.03am: Mercedes Corby enters.

9.04am: Schapelle sneezes.

9.05am: Schapelle wipes nose.

9.06am: Schapelle goes to toilet.

9.07am: Mercedes and Michael Corby wait.

9.08am: Mercedes and Michael Corby wait.

9.09-9.19am: Mercedes and Michael Corby wait.

9.20am: Schapelle returns from toilet, suggests going out for brunch.

9.21am: Corbys leave house in car, running down several dozen camera crews.

9.22am: Schapelle turns left.

9.23am: Schapelle drives straight.

9.24am: Schapelle drives straight.

9.25am: Schapelle drives straight.

9.26am: Schapelle sounds horn, abuses pedestrian.

9.27am: Schapelle turns right.

9.28am: Schapelle parks.

9.29am: Schapelle stumbles and falls in puddle.

9.30am: Schapelle punches photographer attempting to photograph wet jeans.

COMING SOON: 9.31-11am!   

*Satirist Ben Pobjie