News outlets all over Australia have been jockeying for exclusive Schapelle Corby-related content, but many have gone home empty-handed. Luckily for Crikey, we’ve got our best man* on the case.
8am: Schapelle wakes up.
8.01am: Schapelle glances at clock.
8.02am: Schapelle goes back to sleep.
8.03am: Schapelle continues sleeping.
8.04am: Schapelle continues sleeping.
8.18am: Schapelle wakes up again.
8.19am: Schapelle stands up.
8.20am: Schapelle scratches section of anatomy (body part yet to be confirmed, more on this as it develops, continue refreshing Crikey.com.au for news)
8.21am: Schapelle drinks from glass of what is believed to be water.
8.22am: Schapelle checks Facebook.
8.23am: Schapelle reflects on the explosion of barbarism that has occurred in Western civilisation during her exile.
8.24am: Schapelle puts bread in toaster.
8.25am: Schapelle waits for bread to toast.
8.26am: Schapelle spreads butter on toast, eats it.
8.27am: Schapelle runs shower.
8.28am-8.46am: for access to this time period, subscribe to our Crikey Adults Only service
8.47am: Schapelle checks Facebook again.
8.48am: Schapelle weeps for humanity.
8.49am: Schapelle screams as hideous creature from the depths of Hell walks through front door.
8.50am: Schapelle says “hello” to her brother.
8.51am: Schapelle looks out window to count assembled media.
8.52am: Schapelle displays finger in a manner conventionally considered obscene.
8.53am: Schapelle posts Instagram shot of her smiling face, #blessed #makeeverydaycount #Lorealyoureworthit
8.54am: Schapelle sits on couch.
8.55am: Schapelle gently rubs nose.
8.56am: Schapelle makes soft sighing sound.
8.57am: Schapelle picks up That’s Life! magazine.
8.58am: Schapelle expresses disbelief that Pam of Port Douglas was so foolish as to believe smooth-talking Julio’s lies.
8.59am: Schapelle peels banana.
9am: Schapelle eats banana.
9.01am: Schapelle says to brother, “That was a good banana.”
9.02am: Sounds of shouting, screaming, punching, kicking, clash of steel on steel, cannon fire from outside.
9.03am: Mercedes Corby enters.
9.04am: Schapelle sneezes.
9.05am: Schapelle wipes nose.
9.06am: Schapelle goes to toilet.
9.07am: Mercedes and Michael Corby wait.
9.08am: Mercedes and Michael Corby wait.
9.09-9.19am: Mercedes and Michael Corby wait.
9.20am: Schapelle returns from toilet, suggests going out for brunch.
9.21am: Corbys leave house in car, running down several dozen camera crews.
9.22am: Schapelle turns left.
9.23am: Schapelle drives straight.
9.24am: Schapelle drives straight.
9.25am: Schapelle drives straight.
9.26am: Schapelle sounds horn, abuses pedestrian.
9.27am: Schapelle turns right.
9.28am: Schapelle parks.
9.29am: Schapelle stumbles and falls in puddle.
9.30am: Schapelle punches photographer attempting to photograph wet jeans.
COMING SOON: 9.31-11am!
*Satirist Ben Pobjie