Companies

May 26, 2017

LEAKED: Qantas responds to Margaret Court’s gay marriage-related boycott

Qantas is prepared to go to great lengths to appease Court.

A freelance Crikey sleuth* has acquired a draft Qantas ASX statement regarding tennis legend Margaret Court’s recent declaration that she would boycott the airliner because of its support for marriage equality:

 

ASX and Media Release

Qantas Group (ASX: QAN)

Melbourne, May 26, 2017 –

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Qantas Group (Qantas or the Company) is providing an emergency trading and outlook update due to extraordinary circumstances arising in the week beginning Monday, May 22, 2017. Qantas projects an imminent profit downgrade and the likelihood of a consequent rapid decrease in the company’s share price. Despite satisfactory performance in the current financial year, board and management are unable to ignore the ramifications of the recent announcement of Margaret Court AO MBE, to the effect that she will no longer be choosing Qantas for her travel needs. Ms Court’s announcement has forced us to accept that a collapse in operating revenue is now inevitable, with shareholders to suffer the unfortunate brunt.

Our records indicate that in the last 12 months, Margaret Court AO MBE flew Qantas on three occasions from Sydney to Brisbane and back at $242 apiece, once from Sydney to Adelaide at $188, and once from Sydney to Perth and back at $580. If we can reasonably project that a similar pattern were to unfold over the coming 12 months, the effect of suffering the loss of these flights will be catastrophic on our bottom line — particularly Ms Court’s trip to Perth, which forms the main foundation of our revenue base. We also have reason to believe that on several of her past journeys, Ms Court has, while on board, purchased a can of Sprite at $4.80 each, and at times a small can of Pringles at $6.45. The loss of these transactions is expected to result in severe uncertainty in our profit outlook.

Qantas management will of course enter into emergency talks with Ms Court in an attempt to resolve the situation. We are prepared to offer Ms Court numerous blandishments, including but not limited to: VIP access to the Qantas lounge; twenty percent discount on Pringles; the placement of bibles in all seat pockets, to persuade her to reverse her decision to lay waste to the company’s financial position. Although we retain hope that Ms Court will restore her custom to Qantas, we are obliged to inform the ASX, shareholders and the public that the expectation is that her decision will stand and the company’s solvency will therefore come under severe threat.

The Qantas board and management apologises to shareholders and assures the business community that it is working hard to ensure that no other sporting legends boycott our airline. Discussions with Betty Cuthbert, Kerry Saxby-Junna, and Peter “Zorba” Peters are ongoing.

-Ends

Enquiries: [email protected]

*Actually a satirist named Ben Pobjie

16 comments

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16 thoughts on “LEAKED: Qantas responds to Margaret Court’s gay marriage-related boycott

  1. bref

    So Margaret Court has taken it upon herself to become an extremist. Not enough she has chosen to live by the mores of a primitive moral code, no, she feels that the rest of us have to move back to pre-medieval times as well. First a personal belief, than an evangelising pastor, now a pro active agitator – whats next, even more extreme action?
    Remember, Margaret, who you claim to serve and what they say his personal moral code was.
    By his standards you’re on the path to hell…

    1. Andrew Seeze

      “Not enough she has chosen to live by the mores of a primitive moral code”

      And what would that primitive moral code be, Biff?..err, sorry, I mean Bref. And pre-medieval times? Really? I seem to remember “one day is a thousand years and a thousand years is equal to one day” but you would n’t know about that either would you? So Margaret Court is on a path to hell for exercising her right to speak her opinion in regards to marriage equality. That is so loving and tolerant of you, well done. No, no, it’ok, I don’t think you are a hypocrite, not at all, but Could you please show me where Jesus endorsed “marriage equality”. And you know, something a bit more that “Judge not and you won’t be judged”, a bit of line by line context might help. A little bit here and a little bit there. Thanks in advance.

      1. bref

        Right back at ya Andy. Margaret can have her own opinions all she likes, but she demands we live by them or else. Margaret is the one not showing love or tolerance. As far as ‘Jesus’ not endorsing marriage equality, that was 2000 years ago mate, different mindset, move on!

        1. Andrew Seeze

          “As far as ‘Jesus’ not endorsing marriage equality, that was 2000 years ago mate, different mindset, move on!”

          Ahh Bref. The “author of life” has no reason to lie and when he says as he did, that “not a single stroke or dot of the law( Torah ) will disappear until all things be fulfilled” he means what he says and there’s just no spiritualizing it away. Changeabiltity is not part of the game plan. I wish there was time and space to explain the quantum physics of creation and the cosmic model from the deeper end of the pool, but I know you will just get angry at me and I don’t want to ruin your Friday night out. PS…notice I did n’t quote any references. Happy?

          1. bref

            Andy, you’re so easy. I’m not angry (I was once but I grew up) just not gullible. For 6 years the brovvers’ six layer straps tried to beat it into me, I still don’t believe Jesus was god or Mary was a virgin. Even at 12 it was plain to me it was all made up. But even if all you people want to believe it, it doesn’t give you the right to make me believe it or live by it, just like you probably don’t want sharia law. No-one is saying when gay marriage becomes legal, they should have the right to be married in your church (who would want to), just that they have the right in a secular society to be married.

      2. Lesley Graham

        Andrew, you seem to miss the point that Jesus loved others no matter their persuasion, he didn’t directly address those who were of a different sexual persuasion, in his teachings but I’m pretty sure he would have meant LGBTI, any of those people who were oppressed. The problem with the likes of Ms Court is that the world has changed, & she’s mainly talking for only a few very insecure, uninformed people, sexual orientation is a very varied & individual determinant, & the god botherers need to realise, that this sexual variety exists throughout nature, whether they like it or not, alienating just makes them hypocrites. For a religion that spouts the need for kindness & generosity of spirit towards others, they leave a lot to be desired. I’m pretty sure Qantas will find plenty of interested personalities with less narrow minds to take up the reigns. Well done Ben, love your work.

  2. Saugoof

    Is it just me or does anyone else nowadays keep thinking her name is Margaret Court-Arena? It really should be.

  3. Bill Hilliger

    I take it Margaret Court is Jesus loving a happy clapper? Need to be careful here, many believe Jesus (if he actually existed) was probably gay, after all he hung out 12 male disciples all his life. Hmmm.

  4. Andrew Seeze

    Bref – it’s you who’s being too easy. To mistake the false presentation of the apostate church as synonymous with God and “followers of the Way” is just plain ridiculous. But I suspect it gives you an excuse to rail against anything semi spiritual or remotely quasi biblical. Maybe you just hate yourself and coming to grips with any of this means you then might have to back-track and undo some of your previous position and perhaps” literature”..Oh my God, not that!!!!Only you and I know what that is. I guess this conversation is over.

      1. Lesley Graham

        My thoughts exactly Bref ?

    1. 2sheds

      Andrew seems like your theology next to hopeless. Jesus didn’t talk about marriage equality, he said noting about homosexual relationships. He said plenty about hetrosexual relationships but this is largely ignored by the religious types like yourself that seem to have opinions based on ……. anything but the religious texts that you claim your views are based.

      1. Marlo Inaustralia

        ::he said noting about homosexual relationships::
        What in the hell is “noting”?..I am nonplussed. it’s probably nothing at all.

    2. Marlo Inaustralia

      “To mistake the false presentation of the apostate church as synonymous with God and “followers of the Way” is just plain ridiculous.”
      Correct, I would n’t have a clue who the “Followers of the Way” were but I agree that religions of all persuasions gives god a bad name. If he really exists

  5. Srs21

    Wasn’t the disciple Simon gay?

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