The revelation that Malcolm Turnbull made a pitch to the voters of Warringah in 2016 to save former prime minister Tony Abbott’s seat, including the message “Vote for Abbott, Save the Great Barrier Reef”, has led Crikey to do some further digging in the inner sanctum of government strategists.

In this way, we have uncovered* the new slogans that PM Turnbull plans to unleash in the next federal election to shore up support for key government ministers in vulnerable seats. Liberal insiders indicate that any basis for this messaging in fact is to be sorted out at a later date.

In the seat of Dickson

“Vote for Dutton, save the orange-bellied parrot” (the Immigration Minister to be positioned as a vital crusader for psittacine rights)

In the seat of Curtin

“Vote for Bishop, save the ozone layer” (hope to implement a campaign blitz in WA to convince voters the ozone layer is still an issue)

In the seat of Sturt

“Vote for Pyne, save the housing industry” (spread a rumour that if Pyne loses his seat he has vowed to start burning down houses)

In the seat of Cook

“Vote for Morrison, save Graeme Lewis” (Graeme Lewis is a man we will beat up unless Scott Morrison wins the next election)

In the seat of Farrer

“Vote for Ley, bring back Hey Hey It’s Saturday” (we think we can get Channel Nine to play ball here)

In the seat of Higgins

“Vote for O’Dwyer, ease aches and pains and reduce the effects of indigestion” (research shows many residents of Higgins suffer from these)

In the seat of Flinders

“Vote for Hunt, save 10% off your car insurance premiums” (self-explanatory)

In the seat of Kooyong

“Vote for Frydenberg, make it illegal to have Christmas decorations in shops earlier than November the 27th” (this legislation is already written, we’ve had it in our back pocket for four years waiting for the opportune moment)

In the seat of New England

“Vote for Barnaby Joyce, save yourselves from his swift and terrible revenge” (this is actually the same one Barnaby used at the last two elections)

*Rather, satirist Ben Pobjie has uncovered

Get Crikey for $1 a week.

Lockdowns are over and BBQs are back! At last, we get to talk to people in real life. But conversation topics outside COVID are so thin on the ground.

Join Crikey and we’ll give you something to talk about. Get your first 12 weeks for $12 to get stories, analysis and BBQ stoppers you won’t see anywhere else.

Peter Fray
Peter Fray
Editor-in-chief of Crikey
12 weeks for just $12.