At Crikey, we’ve published the leaked diary of a former opposition leader before, but we’ve never had anything from a former prime minister. So this is an exciting first: Tony Abbott’s private schedule* for the Pollie Pedal 2017 bicycle ride.

April 6, 2017

8am: Breakfast with Cooma Chamber of Commerce, Mr Abbott to deliver speech, “Prime Minister: Who’s To Say Who The Current One Is?”

10am: Rest stop at Bunyan, meeting with Bunyan Liberal Party branch to discuss regional policy direction and answer questions about why Mr Turnbull never visits Bunyan.

12pm: Lunch at the Bredbo Christmas Barn, Bredbo. Photo opp with Mr Abbott sitting in Santa’s sleigh, ready to deliver presents to all good Australians. Chat with Christmas Barn proprietors about the Christmas Barn industry and what government can do to ease the squeeze on Christmas Barn mums and dads. Hose down speculation on whether the current prime minister is doing enough to extend Christmas into autumn/winter.

3pm: Detour to Gigerline Nature Reserve. Observe the beauty of Australia’s natural environment and how well-suited to it are healthy, muscular outdoorsmen. Mr Abbott to make off-the-cuff speech on subject of prime ministers through the ages and which ones have been this sort of person.

5pm: Enter Fyshwick for photo opp with local businessmen. Distribute “Abbott Believes In Adult Entertainment” bumper stickers.

7pm: Gather for Pollie Pedal Barbecue Dinner outside The Lodge. Mr Abbott to take the stage with his band, Tony and the Hot Irons.

April 7, 2017

8am: Breakfast on Parliament House lawn with other members of the Parliamentary Fellowship for Harbouring No Ambitions.

11am: Rest stop on shores of Lake George, where Mr Abbott and companions will shake their fists and roar with incoherent fury at Capital Wind Farm.

1pm: Lunch at “Grandma’s at the Farm”, where home-style cooking and baking will be enjoyed amid general muttering about the absence of a Federal Department for Home-Style Cooking and Baking, and what could be done about this.

4pm: Photo opp at the Big Merino, where Mr Abbott will deliver speech, “The giant sheep of yesteryear: how a genuinely conservative government could bring them back”.

5pm: Visit to Goulburn Regional Art Gallery for general admiring noises.

6pm: Photo opp at Rocky Hill War Memorial, where Mr Abbott and companions will reflect upon the sacrifices of our men and women in uniform, and wonder why these sacrifices aren’t honoured more often by certain people.

7pm: Dinner at Paragon Cafe, where Mr Abbott will accept the title of “Prime Minister of the Tablelands” from grateful locals. Drinking until morning.

April 8, 2017

11pm: Start cycling very slowly. See how we go.

*As discovered by satirist Ben Pobjie.

Peter Fray

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