In news that should pleasantly surprise both The Australian and Senator Concetta Fierravanti-Wells, the Man on the Bondi Tram has been hearing legal cases for years and will be happy to adjudicate on legal matters relating to section 18C of the Racial Discrimination Act, as the Liberal Party is suggesting he do. Herewith, court transcripts from some of his recent cases …
CASE 64982: Chandrasekhar v Stevens
Justice Man On Bondi Tram presiding
PLAINTIFF alleges that DEFENDANT breached Section 18C of the Racial Discrimination Act.
CHANDRASEKHAR: I was in the queue at Woolworths and he (indicates Defendant) started shouting about “fucking Muslims” and calling me a terrorist. Then he demanded to count the items in my basket.
STEVENS: He had more than twelve!
C: He told me to go back to my country. I asked him what country he thought I was from. He said Pakirabia. I told him that wasn’t a country. He demanded I show him a globe.
S: It’s next to Africa!
JUSTICE MAN ON BONDI TRAM: This is a difficult case, in which the principle of free speech must be carefully balanced against the right to be free of harassment in public spaces. When I’m riding the Bondi tram, I sometimes sit next to a brown person and most of them are pretty OK except for the one guy who took up a whole seat with his backpack. Do you do that?
C: No, your honour.
J MOTBT: OK then. Guilty! Defendant is sentenced to, I don’t know, say sorry? And you have to sit next to Indians on your next five tram rides. Next case!
CASE 70213: CROWN V ALBERTSON
CROWN alleges that the DEFENDANT killed 15 people and ate them.
ESSEX (for the Crown): Over a period of 28 months, Mr Albertson lured 15 men and women into his flat, drugged them, dismembered them, and cooked them to eat at his leisure.
STANSTED (for the Defendant): Mr Albertson is deeply remorseful for his actions, and in his defence can only offer the fact that he was going through an extremely stressful time, having lost his job, leading to the repossession of his car, and with little disposable income found it difficult to afford recreational activities outside of the murder-cannibalism space.
E: The Crown would like it noted for the record that the Crimes Act does not allow any exemptions from anti-murder laws for the unemployed or bored.
S: The Defendant throws himself on the mercy of the court, and would like it taken into account that he did use every part of his victims, and was never wasteful.
JUSTICE MAN ON THE BONDI TRAM: When I’m riding the tram, I often feel like killing some of the other people on it. There is one man in particular who rides every day and will not stop sniffing, really loudly. Also teenagers often play their music so loud I can hear it even though they have headphones. I would love to murder them, so I totally get it, honest. On the other hand I would never eat the sniffing man, so that’s a bit beyond the pale. But I understand how hard it can be to lose your job and your car. I used to drive to work until my car broke down, and the first few days on the tram were pretty hard — I can definitely see how murder and cannibalism seemed like a viable option. But then again, I am pretty sure that killing 15 people is against the law. So I think 100 hours community service and please promise that you are sorry.
ALBERTSON: I am, your honour.
JMOTBT: Awesome. Next case!
CASE 34521: BRUCE V KLAASSEN
PLAINTIFF is claiming compensation for pain and suffering and punitive damages from the DEFENDANT, who she alleges engaged in unlawful harassment.
BRUCE: Your honour, I was on the tram, and this man spread his legs right out across onto my seat. And then he sneezed on me.
JUSTICE MAN ON THE BONDI TRAM: I find for the Plaintiff in the amount of eight hundred thousand dollars. Court is adjourned.
CLERK: Clear the court.
(JMOTBT boards tram, rides out of court)
*As discovered by satirist Ben Pobjie