After the hilarious fallout from the Finance Department’s woeful recruitment ad, Crikey has obtained* three other draft scripts for promotional ads for the departments of Immigration, Human Services and the Environment.

IMMIGRATION: JOIN THE PARTY

OPEN in a pleasant and airy open-plan office, filled with relaxed happy workers. Enter STEVE, a fulfilled and enthusiastic public servant. He approaches BARBARA, who loves her job and the people she works with.

STEVE

Hi Barbara. Are you coming to lunch with the rest of us at the cafe conveniently located right near our office?

BARBARA

Oh hi Steve, I didn’t see you there, as I was just finishing collating these files that keep our borders secure.

STEVE

Yep, that’s one of the best parts of this job, all right. But I think the best part of working at Immigration is the friends you make along the way.

The camera follows Steve and Barbara as they walk to the lifts, passing a series of extremely professional workers who are also enjoying themselves. At the lifts they run into ALEX, a Border Force operative in full uniform.

BARBARA

Hi Alex, looking forward to the big raid?

ALEX

Sure am, Barbara! That’s what I love about Immigration: management gives you so much support and really makes the raid process fun as well as efficient.

STEVE

Are you coming to lunch, Alex?

ALEX

I can’t right now, Steve; I’m on my way to the Synergy Optimisation Seminar to learn how to hit key performance indicators while achieving an ideal work-life balance.

BARBARA

I think it’s great how we get so many chances for professional development. It’s amazing how personal satisfaction and saving lives at sea go hand in hand.

STEVE and ALEX

Yeah!

They all high-five. Alex reloads his Uzi.

***

THE DHS: HUMANS HELPING HUMANS

OPEN in a hygienic well-stocked break room. CATHY, HARVEY and LISA are drinking Fair Trade coffee and smiling cheerfully at each other.

CATHY

I think the best thing about working at the DHS is getting to help others.

HARVEY

I think the best thing about working at the DHS is the myriad pathways to advancement.

LISA

I think the best thing about working at the DHS is the relaxed atmosphere and flexible management structure that encourages us to have fun while never sacrificing our high standards of professionalism.

Enter Minister ALAN TUDGE

ALAN TUDGE

Hi guys! How’s it going down here in the “engine room”?

HARVEY

Haha, great air quotes Alan. We’re just grabbing a quick coffee before getting back to pursuing debts.

CATHY

In order, as you know, to save the Australian taxpayer money.

ALAN TUDGE

That’s right, Cathy, that’s the main game here at the DHS. But don’t rush over your coffees; in my department, it’s all about feeling comfortable!

LISA

Wow, I’ve been working here three years and I still never cease to be amazed by how approachable you are, Alan.

ALAN TUDGE

Call me Alan.

Everyone laughs and gives a thumbs-up to the camera.

***

ENVIRONMENT: IT’S IN YOUR NATURE

OPEN in the Environment Department, a well-lit office set in a lush green forest. As healthy woodland creatures scurry by, enter LUKE and CHERYL.

LUKE

The training program here at the Department of the Environment blows me away with how easy yet challenging it is.

CHERYL

Tell me about it, Luke! I finished my training six months ago, and every single day I marvel at how well-equipped I am for the demands of my job, which is keeping all the Environment files in alphabetical order so that the Environment is never degraded for want of workspace organisation.

LUKE

Yeah, we did the alphabet yesterday, and I never knew it could be so stimulating. Today we’re going to learn about coal.

CHERYL

I remember the coal module. Best eight weeks of my life. Enjoy it while you can, Luke; soon you’ll be an old fogey slaving away like me!

They laugh.

CHERYL

I’m joking, of course; it hardly even counts as work, when you love what you do, does it?

LUKE

That’s right, and who doesn’t love the Environment?

CHERYL

I know I do — it’s my favourite. We’re just so lucky that we get to protect it every day.

They share a brief hug. Two baby wallabies leap into their arms. They laugh.

*As discovered by satirist Ben Pobjie

Peter Fray

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Peter Fray
Editor-in-chief of Crikey

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