FROM THE DESK OF GEORGE CHRISTENSEN, MP
Dear Mr Trump,
Congratulations on being President, it sounds like you’re having lots of fun with it. I know you must be very busy, but I was hoping you might be able to find the time to send me a signed photo of yourself. For preference, I would like a shot of you either sitting at your desk signing legislation, strolling on the White House lawn with Melania, or strangling a terrorist. As a token of gratitude, I enclose a signed photo of myself for you to put wherever you like (that’s my own whip!). Also, if you ever need someone to help around the place, I’m always available, like if you need a bouncer or a receptionist or anything. I can drive a manual and know Excel.
Yours in Freedom,
Dear Grand Mufti,
How are you? I am fine. I am writing to you because I am doing some research on the Islamic religion and I thought you might be able to help me out with a few facts about your fascinating faith. The questions I need answered are:
- Is halal food only poisonous to white people, or all non-Muslims?
- How many bombs can you fit inside the average burqa?
- Is it true that if I rub bacon on you, you will melt?
- What is Waleed Aly’s home address?
Thank you for your assistance in promoting inter-faith dialogue.
Yours in Christ,
Dear Professor Louden,
Thank you for your comprehensive briefing on your review into the Safe Schools program. I am writing in the hope that you can provide me with clarification on just a couple of points that I’m a little hazy on. Firstly, with regard to the program’s approach to gender diversity, could you confirm for me that everyone involved in this perversion is going to Hell? And secondly, regarding practical measures to fight bullying in the playground, my only real question was: I have notified the police.
Dear The Honourable Josh Frydenberg,
Congratulations on your recent robust defence of the blessed mineral coal, mother and protector of us all. It is wonderful to finally have an Environment Minister who is willing to tell the truth about the environment: that it is a myth spread by student unions. If you ever need any help with coal, I have a lot in my electorate, and you can have some if you like.
Hope you’re doing well. I am writing in regard to my duties as Party Whip. Some of our MPs have been playing up a bit recently, and it is getting increasingly difficult to keep them in line. I was hoping to get the green light from you to begin using the cane when appropriate, as we discussed at the Christmas party. It seems to work very well in Singapore, and I think the National Party would really benefit from the greater discipline that corporal punishment provides. It won’t cost anything: I already have several canes in my office for personal use.
Let me know,
It is with a heavy heart that I write to notify you of my intention to resign from the government if my demands are not met. These demands, which are subject to change or addition without notice, are as follows:
- Mandatory code of conduct for the sugar industry;
- Mandatory labels on all halal-certified food, and all halal-certified people;
- Mandatory home detention for Greens party members;
- Mandatory coal, in general;
- Boys only kiss girls;
- MPs allowed to bring pillows into parliament; and
- I get to threaten to quit up to five times a year without consequence
If these demands are not met I will have no option but to resign and sit in parliament as an independent, or write you more letters. Please inform me of your decision as soon as possible.
*As discovered by satirist Ben Pobjie