Milo Yiannopoulos
Milo Yiannopoulos? Not left-wing.

My school days were, I suppose, extremely influential in terms of forming the views and philosophies that would eventually make me a massive amazing media superstar. My first-grade teacher, Miss Bresnan, was a typical screechy SJW, the kind you always get when you allow women to have jobs. She was so obsessed with PC culture, constantly teaching us to “be nice”, and “think about others”, and “stop stabbing your fellow students with your compass”. I tried to explain that as a provocateur, it was my job to poke people and see what kind of reaction I could get, but like most females, she failed to understand basic principles because her brain was on its period -- gross right? Lady parts: outrageous.

Even at the tender age of six I was incredibly clever and good at shifting paradigms and starting conversations and speaking truth to power. One day one of my classmates, a sniveling beta called Duncan, brought in his puppy for show and tell. I asked Duncan if I could pat the dog -- of course he said yes like a typical cuck -- walked up to the front of the class, and kicked it in the head. Yeah, you read that right. That’s the way I am, readers: I say what everyone’s thinking, and I kick what everyone’s thinking of kicking. Scandalous!