Donald Trump

From: [email protected]

To: Deep State, All Staff

Comrades,

Congratulations on your work so far on Operation Undermine. The rollout of our auto-scramble tweet filter has been a huge success, and President T***p’s Twitter feed is more incomprehensible than ever. I am looking for an update on progress from the Imaginary Terrorism Taskforce.

Cheers,

“Papa X”

 

From: [email protected]

To: Papa X

Hail, Master. The ITT goes from strength to strength. The video depicting a devastating attack on Stockholm will be played in T***p’s TV at Mar-a-lago tonight.

Yours obediently,

“Barking Weasel”

 

From: Papa X

To: [email protected]

Good news from the ITT. Is Kellyanne prepped for tonight?

 

From: Psychic Anthrax

To: Papa X

She’s good to go. We’ve briefed her fully on the facts and she has practiced not mentioning any of them. She asks me to pass on her continued commitment to Operation Undermine.

Yours in Destabilisation

 

From: Papa X

To: Psychic Anthrax, cc: [email protected]

Kellyanne brilliant on TV last night, almost believed she was actually working for T***p. Have an urgent request from Executive: they’re looking for next Flynn, any ideas?

 

From: Psychic Anthrax

To: Papa X, Croaking Owl

Kellyanne says she has Betsy DeVos’ phone number, thinks she could be persuaded to send Easter card to Kim Jong-un without too much trouble. Too much?

 

From: Croaking Owl

To: Psychic Anthrax, Papa X

No-go on Kim Jong-un, we’re already working on slipping a poem about him into T***p’s next speech. Don’t want to look too obvious.

 

From: Papa X

To: Croaking Owl

Interested to hear of this poem. How does it go?

 

From: Croaking Owl

To: Papa X

Can’t say too much at this stage, but it begins, “O Glorious Leader/You are the tender dumpling/In my totalitarian stew”. We’re hoping to get it right in the middle of his remarks on military build-up.

Yours,

CO

 

From: Papa X

To: Croaking Owl

Sounds brilliant, but is it going to conflict with the erotic Putin fan fiction?

 

From: Croaking Owl

To: Papa X

I don’t think so — the poem will be spoken, while the fan-fic goes out as a press release. Different realms.

 

From: Papa X

To: [email protected]

Veep,

Pleased to report Operation Undermine proceeds with growing success. Hope all well on your end.

Yours etc,

Papa X

 

From: Mike Pence

To: Papa X

Everything spiffing down here, thanks. The sleep-deprivation exercises and subliminal Andy Kaufman tapes having the desired effect. Plan to replace all his coffee with brown sherbet sometime next week: should be interesting.

Catch ya,

Pencey

 

From: Papa X

To: All Staff

Hi all, just a reminder that we have a MAJOR media conference coming up today. Please make sure you are all in position. Mirror Team, work out your blinding angles. Mic Team, make sure the mic filter is maximum Donald. Those of you currently employed as journalists, be as fake as possible.

Good luck!

Papa X

 

From: Papa X

To: [email protected]

Dear Xi,

Press conference bigger success than we’d hoped. Front row of press covered in phlegm. WH staffers say T***p increasingly disoriented and has taken to carrying a stuffed lemur everywhere he goes. Pence reports cabinet meetings mostly taken up with discussion of who has been stealing president’s shoes. Soon it will all be over. Remember our deal: T***p goes down and you give me safe passage to Shanghai and luxury studio apartment. Should be there in a couple of weeks.

Yours,

Mel.

*This leaked exchange was provided to Crikey by satirist Ben Pobjie, who submitted it as a Word document bearing no agency or government imprimatur, but so what? It’s not like the CIA is going to sign off covert emails with “love the CIA”, is it now?

Peter Fray

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