FROM: James Ashby, Chief of Staff, Senator Pauline Hanson

TO: Peter “Willie” Rowe, Chief of Staff, Premier Colin Barnett

Dear Peter,

Would love to have a chat with you re: preferences. We would be very amenable to an arrangement whereby in exchange for Liberal Party preferences, One Nation will recommend preferencing your candidates at all our halal information nights. Suggest the arrangement be designated the Liberal-One Nation Coalition Against Gay Nazi Mind Control.

Yours,

James

 

FROM: Peter “Willie” Rowe

TO: James Ashby

Thanks for your email James, would love to get into bed with you and Pauline. Not a word to the Nats, though, yeah?

Willie

 

FROM: Colin de Grussa, president, WA Nationals

TO: Peter “Willie” Rowe

Willie,

How could you? You have broken my heart.

Colin

 

FROM: Peter “Willie” Rowe

TO: Colin de Grussa

Colin, wait. It’s not what it looks like.

 

FROM: Deputy Prime Minister Barnaby Joyce

TO: Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull

Mal,

What the hell are your blokes doing in WA? Preferencing One Nation? Are you looking for a new Coalition partner? Was it something we said? We can change, Mal. We can be more racist, I swear.

Yours,

Barnaby

 

FROM: Malcolm Turnbull

TO: Barnaby Joyce

Don’t worry. Sure everything is fine. Let you know what’s happening when the bosses tell me.

Malcolm

 

FROM: James Ashby

TO: Evan Moorhead, Secretary, Australian Labor Party Queensland

Dear Evan,

Don’t know if you got my messages earlier today, v. keen to discuss preferencing with you. Had a chat with the Minerals Council, they are happy to move forward on this. Let me know when you’re free to chat.

James

 

FROM: Evan Moorhead

TO: James Ashby

Who are you? Who gave you this address?

 

FROM: James Ashby

TO: Evan Moorhead

Hi Evan, tried your mobile but it was turned off. Really excited about the preference deal we’ve drawn up. We see the arrangement working like this: PHON runs dead in key winnable seats, in exchange for which ALP gives PHON Senate preferences, in exchange for which PHON preferences ALP ahead of LNP in rural marginals, in exchange for which ALP supports RC into whether Islam is a bikie gang. Let me know when we can sign off on this.

James

 

FROM: Evan Moorhead

TO: Bill Shorten, Leader of the Opposition

Hey Bill, keep getting calls from someone called Ashby, about preferences. Know anything about this?

 

FROM: Bill Shorten

TO: Evan Moorhead

I am out of the office. If the matter is urgent please contact the CFMEU.

 

FROM: Peter “Willie” Rowe

TO: James Ashby

Hi James, just confirming final arrangements for preference swap. The Liberals agree to preference PHON in exchange for PHON preferencing the Liberals, on the understanding that once in government PHON will support our legislation and the Barnett government will provide subsidies on tinfoil. Please advise if any other amendments are necessary.

 

FROM: James Ashby

TO: Peter “Willie” Rowe 

All good, Peter. Let’s move forward.

 

FROM: James Ashby

TO: Evan Moorhead

Hi Evan, just confirming with you that we’re going ahead with the Labor-One Nation preference deal, whereby PHON will receive all ALP preferences, and in marginal seats Labor candidates will join One Nation. Pauline very excited to announce this deal tomorrow, so just let me know all is good your end. Checked with the Minerals Council, they’re very happy with the deal. They say you’ll love it.

J

 

FROM: Evan Moorhead

TO: James Ashby

I’m blocking you.

 

FROM: Barnaby Joyce

TO: Richard Alston, president, Liberal Party

Hey Richard, do we still have a Coalition or what? Am I going to have to park my hat under someone else’s bed?

Barnaby

 

FROM: Richard Alston

TO: Barnaby Joyce

Barnaby, our coalition is as strong as it has ever been, so shut up and do as you’re told.

Richard

 

FROM: Malcolm Turnbull

TO: Barnaby Joyce

Hi Barnaby, so nice to hear your voice this afternoon. Really cheered me up. I would be delighted to lock in preferences for the Nationals at the next election — in recognition of our coalition I reckon I can guarantee you’ll be in our top four or five preferences in most seats. I’ll make this official as soon as I’ve checked with Pauline and Cory that it’s OK.

Love,

Malcolm

 

FROM: Evan Moorhead

TO: Malcolm Turnbull CC: Bill Shorten

Hi Malcolm, wanted to run an idea past you for a preference deal between Labor and the Libs. Think it could really give us both a boost. Let me know when you’re free for a chat.

Cheers,

Evan

PS do you know a guy called James Ashby? He says he knows you.

 

FROM: MAILER-DAEMON

TO: Evan Moorhead

Your message could not be delivered.

[email protected] address not found.

*Satirist Ben Pobjie has promised Crikey editorial these emails are definitely real, and although he’s presented no proof of that per se, the word of a good man is all the evidence we need.

Peter Fray

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