Being the principles and policy platform of the brand-new Australian Silent Majority Conservative Values Rightness Party

1. As a party representing the majority of Australians, the ASMCVRP will as a founding principle continually be saying what everyone thinks: any and all statements made by the party will by definition be believed by the majority at all times.

2. Every Australian has the right to life, liberty and not being called a racist, unless they are calling other people racist, in which case they lose this right because they’re the real racist.

3. The ASMCVRP stands for strong borders and the security of all Australians. To this end our policy is to implement Extreme Vetting and Colour-Coding of all immigrants, and the unwrapping of turbans to check for bombs.

4. The ASMCVRP recognises that without property rights, there can be no human rights. The party therefore intends to mount a robust defence of human rights by making it illegal to insult, vilify or humiliate property — including but not restricted to cash, stocks, futures, real estate and yachts.

5. Hard-working Australians should not be penalised for their efforts by punitive rates of taxation. The party will reward hard work by taxing only lazy people, here defined as anyone who doesn’t work hard enough to have an investment portfolio. All others will work tax-free, thus boosting government revenue by providing an incentive to wealth creators by allowing them to not contribute to government revenue.

6. Marriage is a holy institution invented by God to honour the unique bond between a man and a woman and provide a secure environment for the production of children. As people of the homosexual persuasion cannot produce children, and were not invented by God, any extension of the institution of marriage to homosexualists would be a violation of logic. The ASMCVRP will therefore not be legislating for gay marriage, though it will legislate to allow people in long-term committed same-sex relationships to be microchipped and studied.

7. Free speech is the most precious freedom we possess: an ASMCVRP government will enforce absolute freedom of speech and remove all legal impediments to the free and open expression of all ideas. At the same time, we will enshrine in legislation that anyone who calls us fascists is the real fascist, and subject to prosecution under treason laws, to be massively expanded.

8. The ASMCVRP fully supports the Australian Republican Movement, and will actively work towards establishing an Australian Republic, headed by President Donald Trump.

9. All Australian schools must immediately and without qualification return to teaching Australian Values. National curriculum to include modules on: the everlasting gratitude of Aborigines; cultures of the world and which one is the good one; the three Rs (Reading, Writing, Racial Purity); Safe (from sexual perversion) Schools.

10. Constitutional amendment for the permanent placement of Australia Day on January 26, criminalisation of references to “Invasion Day”, and tattooing of Southern Crosses on all citizens at birth.

11. A Royal Commission into whether the Greens Party is a sect of Islam.

*As discovered by Ben Pobjie

Peter Fray

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Peter Fray
Editor-in-chief of Crikey