My dear fellow Australians and journalists, thank you for coming here today to hear me tell you many exciting things about myself as prime minister and how I am using my prime ministership to make your lives better. 

Everywhere I go in this great country of Australia that we call our own, I notice one thing: people like electricity, and they dislike having no money. This is why we must make sure to ruthlessly destroy the Labor Party, which is dedicated to making people pay more for electricity to satisfy the sick socialist whims of leader Bill Shorten, a man who would rather 6 million Australian children go hungry than see a single piece of coal burnt. It is in the national interest to keep power prices low, and we are determined to help families and businesses by doing so — and if people who aren’t in families or businesses happen to benefit as well, I’ll be honest with you, I’m not against that. The point is, Bill Shorten is not in the national interest, and he must be rooted out and eliminated at every level of himself.

Apart from electricity, another part of the national interest is childcare. Everywhere I go in this amazing country that I am proud to call the one I am in, I notice one thing: children need caring. It is not enough to say, as we once did, just stick the children in their cages and let them play with an old sponge while we go to work. Children need nurturing, children need attention, and my advisers inform me children need food. We as a government committed to the national interest will provide all these things in the form of our childcare reforms, which will reform childcare to such an extent you won’t even recognise it. Our new bill will provide greater funding for childcare to help people who aren’t hard-working enough to hire live-in nannies, but aren’t quite so lazy that they can’t afford childcare at all, thereby living up to this government’s guiding motto, “Helping Out The Moderately Shiftless”. This will put the lie to Bill Shorten’s scurrilous claim that the Liberal Party operates only for the benefit of the deserving wealthy, a lie told for the purposes of making electricity cost too much. Our childcare reforms will be effective, sustainable, and funded by extremely fair cuts to welfare, of which there’s a bit too much about these days. Welfare is not in the national interest, and it’s time we stopped pretending it was. Obviously, this does not mean we will leave Australians with no safety net — we are committed to a strong safety net, though you might have to tuck and roll a bit when you hit it. But the main thing is that childcare is affordable, available and flexible, like a very cheap snake.

But there is one major aspect of the national interest that I have not yet mentioned, and that is that it is not in the national interest for everyone to be murdered in their beds by refugees. This is an indisputable fact, and is why we are also committed to keeping Australia safe by maintaining a strong and effective border protection policy that protects us all from potential terrorists and their unborn children. I am therefore looking forward to working with President Trump on his interesting and imaginative plans for border protection in his own country. Like us, President Trump recognises the vital element of border security is removing the incentive for asylum seekers to make the dangerous journey, and President Trump is as determined as we are to ensure our respective countries cease to represent an attractive destination for anyone.

However, we recognise that President Trump’s immigration measures have caused some consternation as to their effects on Australian citizens, and that is why I have personally secured an exemption from the order for Australians with dual citizenship. I would like to congratulate President Trump on his strong and robust policy that Australians shouldn’t have to worry about, and look forward to working closely with him on numerous other policies that are good for other people but not for us. At the same time we will maintain our own policies, which keep all Australians safe from those who wish to do us harm, a group that during my government’s term has been growing exponentially. 

These then are the three planks of the Liberal government moving forward: electricity, children and terrorists. In this way we will provide jobs and growth in a safe and inoffensive way and nobody has to die or pay too much for power or put their kids in a cage if they don’t want to. It is an exciting time to be an Australian, especially if you’re the prime minister, which I am and Bill Shorten is not no matter how much he whines and tries to steal all our money. Long may I reign.

*As discovered by Ben Pobjie

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