Hark, the Sydney Morning Herald Sings!

Hark, the Sydney Morning Herald sings
Of Many Things You Won’t Believe!
What Gifts Were Brought By These Three Kings
Price of Bethl’em Properties
Domain: Stables, There’s A Waitlist!
Clem Ford: Is God Mary’s Rapist?
New Super Food Called Frankincense!
Wow, These Headlines Make No Sense!
Praise To Him With Hosts on High
The Great Clickbaiter In The Sky

 

A Very Paul McCartney Christmas
(tune: Simply Having A Wonderful Christmas Time)

My career’s done
My talent’s gone
Forty years since
Good “Macca” songs

Simply wishing now that I would die
Simply wishing now that I would die

Mull of Kintyre
What’s that shit?
That’s far from
The worst of it

Simply wishing now that I would die
Simply wishing now that I would die

I can’t think of lyrics for this bridge
Ding dong, ding dong
ding dong, ding ooo
Ooo ooo toot toot toot toot toot toot

Can’t deny
It’s not wrong
Shoulda been shot
Instead of John

Simply wishing now that I would die
Simply wishing now that I would die

 

Baby, It’s Cold Inside

SHE: I really can’t stay
HE: But baby it’s cold outside
SHE: OK, this now counts as rape
HE: But baby it’s — whut?

SHE: Joking! This evening has been
HE: Well, heh, great of you to drop in
SHE: So very “nice”, could get nicer
HE: But maybe you better be going

SHE: It’s freezing out, what’s yer hurry?
HE: It’s only a bit of a flurry
SHE: Let’s play a few of these “records” more
HE: I’ll get an Uber, you can wait near the door

SHE: Really, you’re looking so worried
HE: Please, don’t sprawl out on my Afghan dhurrie
SHE: Is it because you’re my boss at Slater and Gordon?
HE: Christ I wish I wasn’t divorced …

SHE: I ought to say “no, no, no, sir”
HE: Well, great, that’s clear, time to go, the-
SHE: “Ought’! Ought!” The subjunctive’s therein implied!
HE; Uber is here, oh Christ, Christ, Christ

HE: Look — coat, arm, sleeve — you’ve got to go home
SHE: Come on this was a done deal hours ago. It’s frikkin’ cold outside
HE: But can’t you see?
SHE: For a middle-aged man, you’re a bit of a tease

HE: Think of all the hot takes tomorrow!
SHE: Oh God, yes, you’re right, the horror!
HE: On whether consent was denied
SHE: Guardian, Fairfax and Huffpo, Mia along for the ride

S/HE: Maybe I/you better just go
Ah, but it’s colllldddddddd,
Outtttttttt
Sidddddeeeeeeee!

CRESCENDO, END.

SPOKEN: SHE: Just a kiss beneath the mistletoe?
HE: You’ll have to sign this release.

Peter Fray

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Peter Fray
Editor-in-chief of Crikey

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