The full Federal Court ruled yesterday that George Brandis’ office had to process a freedom of information request for his 2014 diary. We have secured an exclusive first look at what it contains.

April 13, 2014

Lunch with Tony. Still not sure he quite understands what an Attorney-General does. He kept asking me how my “latest case” was going and wanted to know “if the guy really did it”. We finally moved on to the question of government policy: Tony wondered whether it would be a good idea to make the Pope a knight. Told him it might be controversial. He told me to stop using impenetrable legal jargon. During dessert he went to the toilet and never came back. Had to pay bill myself. This has been happening a lot. Is there something wrong with me?

April 14, 2014

Meeting with Joe at PH, to discuss upcoming budget. Joe said he wants to slash funding for community legal centres but wanted to check with me first. Asked him what he wanted to check. He said he wanted to check what community legal centres are. Told him I’d get a staffer to look it up and get back to him. Joe expressed concern that his sums might not add up, because the AC button on his calculator is stuck. Told him there was a calculator on his phone, but he didn’t seem to understand that. Joe finished meeting by asking me how much money I thought he could save if he made it illegal to keep your fridge on during winter.

Finished the day by curling up in bed with a good book. Dan Brown — there is a man I truly envy. I can only imagine how many friends he has.

April 15, 2014

Speech at the IPA went quite well, I thought. Huge applause for my catchphrase, “People have a right to be bigots”. Less applause for my follow-up, “People also have the right to call other people bigots”. Some shouts of “shame” and “death to tyrants!” from the audience, but I got them back onside by calling for a new preamble to the constitution specifying that property rights pre-date human habitation of our country. After my speech, the fellows presented me with a lovely new grey-and-black sweater to add to my collection. I was quite touched — in fact, I was moved to tears, which fascinated them. They spent all lunchtime asking how a man could make water flow from the eyes. Promised to return as soon as possible to give a speech on this thing we humans call “feelings”.

Checked my messages back at the office. There were none. Might be something wrong with my voicemail. Sent out an email to all Liberal MPs reminding them that this weekend is my big fancy dress barbecue — extended the RSVP deadline to Friday. I know they’re busy, it’s easy to forget these things.

April 16, 2014

A lovely relaxing day spent among my books. New Guinness World Records arrived — yet again I am amazed by the human race’s capacity to grow its fingernails. After looking through the Guinness, had a fascinating few hours leafing through an authorised biography of Richard Clayderman. Also checked out the cover of the latest Maze Runner, but will leave reading it till I have enough time to get through it in one go. Put it on the shelf with the others. A little bit of empty space left on my bookshelves, so asked Sarah to make a few hundred copies of my last press release to fill in the gaps.

Rang around to see if any of the guys wanted to come over and read with me, but everyone was busy.

April 17, 2014

Strange encounter with Malcolm while having my coffee in Aussies. He suddenly popped his head up from under the table and whispered, “Is it safe?” I told him I didn’t know what he meant, and he nodded and tapped his nose. “Play the long game,” he murmured, and then disappeared beneath the table again. No idea what that’s all about — he has been getting odder and odder since 2009.

In the afternoon had another budget meeting with Joe. He asked me if I knew long division. I tried to show him how to do it but he just kept moaning, “my head hurts!” Gave up in the end and asked him how he was going reducing the deficit. Very well, he promised, before going sort of quiet for a while. Eventually he asked me how much I thought his desk was worth. Told him I couldn’t say. He nodded sadly. Asked Joe if he’d like to catch a movie after work, but he said he had a waxing appointment.

April 18, 2014

Had a fantastic time at impro class. We had to invent a comedic character with an amusing backstory. My character was “George, the lawyer” — he won all his cases and everybody came to his birthday party.

After impro had interview with ABC about the Racial Discrimination Act. Pointed out that I can’t be racist because I sit in the front of taxis even when the driver is brown. Interviewer totally flummoxed by this. She asked me why I wanted to change the RDA. Told her about all the nights I’ve spent listening to Andrew Bolt cry down the phone at me, emphasising how loudly he sniffs. She seemed sympathetic. Asked if she wanted go bowling after the interview, but she said ABC guidelines banned indoor sports. I’ll have to try to get that repealed too.

April 19, 2014

Barbecue going really well. My Voltaire costume turned out beautifully. Guests yet to show up, but only started 70 or 80 minutes ago. Liberals are famous for being fashionably late. They will be here soon.

Peter Fray

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