It’s been a long eight weeks — everyone deserves a drink.

Here’s a toast to jobs, to growth, to Bill’s bus and Malcolm’s silver spoons, to Medicare and the Building and Construction Commissioner and all those pamphlets, letters, corflutes, phone calls and television ads. If you’re spending election night in front of the telly like we are — make sure you second-screen Crikey for our always lively live blog — this drinking game should help things run more smoothly.

Take a sip if …

  • Anyone uses the term “unprecedented”.
  • Antony Green says the word “bellwether”.
  • Anyone uses the term “record swing”.
  • Eden Monaro is called.
  • Someone says “jobs and growth” or “positive plan”.
  • Someone talks about “stability”.
  • Anyone uses the term “on a knife edge”.
  • Anyone talks about western Sydney.
  • Antony Green complains about his computer not working properly.
  • Someone on the ABC accidentally says “a swing to the ABC”.
  • Someone mentions party division or unity.
  • A politician on the panel says is it is too early to talk about the future of their party leader.
  • Someone calls it the “meme election”.

Finish your drink if …

  • Someone blames the CFA issue for Labor’s results in Victoria.
  • You’re told to “stand by” for a big seat call.
  • Sophie Mirabella fails to retake her seat (but don’t drink too much because you’re not getting that hospital she forgot to tell you about before the election).

Do a shot if …

  • Someone mentions stopping the boats.
  • Someone blames Brexit on our election outcome.
  • A candidate who just lost a marginal seat lets rip on their party’s leader.
  • Tony Abbott snipes and/or undermines.

Skol a bottle if …

  • Tony Abbott loses his seat.
  • Kelly O’Dwyer loses her seat.
  • Pauline Hanson gets elected to the Senate.
  • Derryn Hinch gets elected to the Senate.

Order Domino’s Pizza if …

  • Chris Jermyn wins McEwen (but don’t leave it too late, because they might be closed and you’ll be sitting there hungry).

Now then. Not sure what to fill your glass to the brim with? Guy Rundle has mixed up some special cocktails for the occasion …

The Shorten Suite

  • Shot glass
  • 1 measure triple sec
  • 1 measure vodka
  • 1 chilli (zinger!)

The ‘Red’ Malcolm Turnbull

  • 2 measures vodka
  • 1 Red Bull
  • 1 measure banana liquor (sticky to the plantain)
  • Honey to taste

The Green Doctor

  • 2 measures white rum
  • Fancy lime cordial or fresh limes
  • Tonic water

The NEXTy

  • 1 long measure Nestea
  • Vodka (otherwise its just a fucking Nestea)

The Leyonhjelm

  • 1 glass white w(h)ine
  • Bitter lemon

You’ve Had Worse Things In Your Mouth #1 (The Sex Party Cocktail)

  • Long measure peach nectar (keep refilling till you feel you’ve done your best)
  • Peach schnapps
  • Maraschino cherry

You’ve Had Worse Things In Your Mouth #2 (The Sex Party Cocktail)

  • 1 short measure frothed milk
  • Triple sec
  • Squirt of real pineapple juice

Peter Fray

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