Chance meetings outside a convent? The slap of hand on bouncing buttocks? A discarded whip? No, you haven’t stumbled into a screening of Fifty Shades of Grey — it’s just J-Bish passing former whip Warren Entsch on her way to work. Or, as Niki Savva pulsatingly put it in today’s Australian:

“He reckons his heart has a little flutter, partly because of the shock and partly because, well … which bloke doesn’t like a flirty encounter on his way to work? Without headphones, Entsch hears her coming so when she is close enough he spins around and grabs her backside. Both cheeks, he brags.”

Ew. Unfortunately for our appetites, Crikey managed to get a sneak peak of this brand-spanking new bodice ripper (Fifty Shades of J?) moments before it premiered this morning. We think our Foreign Minister would be proud: