As an independent media outlet, Crikey prides itself on subjecting policymakers and public policy to rigorous scrutiny, based on the public interest. But there is one pressing issue that has received too little scrutiny, in our view. It is time to “call out” the single worst superhero of all: the alleged “King of the Seven Seas”, the so-called “King of Atlantis”, Aquaman.

Crikey is not above the occasional silly superhero. We retain a special fondness for Krypto the Superdog, despite the potential for tragedy of having an animal motivated chiefly by food, sex and a genetic disposition for hierarchy possessed of super powers.

But Aquaman must surely stand condemned. This self-appointed aquatic perpetrator of an outmoded and undemocratic political system is not even redeemed by any interesting super powers. He can breathe underwater, talk to fish and swim fast (allegedly, three kilometres a second, which strains our credulity), and that’s it, a kind of supersonic Dr Doolittle with pretensions to unmerited political stewardship over both his own and other species. He is, by his nature, doomed to spending his entire time fighting enemies deep in the world’s oceans, where 99% of humanity never ventures and, from a human perspective, nothing much happens. He was invented during World War II, at least affording the opportunity to fight Nazi vessels, but the dearth of global undersea war and the failure of humanity to colonise our planet’s watery depths since then renders him pointless.

In a sad effort to lend greater interest to this undersea mediocrity, DC Comics expanded his powers, giving him the ability to, and we quote Wikipedia, “dehydrate anyone he touches and killing them instantly, the ability to shoot jets of water from his hand … the ability to create portals into mystical dimensions”. And doubtless Aquaman needs such horrific powers — for which there is no oversight or accountability — to maintain his tyrannical rule over both the repressed citizens of Atlantis and marine life everywhere.

It is high time DC Comics brought Aquaman’s brutal reign to an end and sent this so-called “superhero” to Davy Jones’ Locker.

Peter Fray

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Peter Fray
Editor-in-chief of Crikey