Mar 11, 2014
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Today’s lesson is taken from the Book of Excuses, Chapter 2, versus i-xi.
(1) Yea, verily, Malcolm was found in the Bullrushes by Toady’s daughters and did rise in the court of Rupert. (2) And he did wax mightily in the service of the Rupert, until he was undone by the serpent Gretch and Minchin, the High Priest of the Cult of Hayek and Friedman. (3) And he was downcast and wept piteously to his acolytes, who knew him not, neither did they wish to, since the High Priest of Murdoch raised up Toady and gave him dominion over the people of the Denial and the beasts of the News Corpse. (4) And Malcolm did beseech the Markets, crying “Let my fibre go only to the node!” (5) And the Markets responded by visiting upon Toady plagues of locusts, bankers, chocolate frog floggers, Giant Floating Boob Turtles Named Gina and deregulated capital, to no avail, for the ear of Toady’s consort Credlin was hardened against Malcolm and the Markets.
(5) And it came to pass that Malcolm lead the marsupials of the forests from exile to the Promised Offshore Processing Facility. (6) And the armies of Rupert pursued the chosen marsupials, verily unto the shores of the Arafura Sea, filled, as it was with 13 star Generals, Ministers for Vicious Hypocrisy and other Assets of Operation Sovereign Murders Unspecified For Operational Reasons, and the chosen marsupials were sorely afraid. (7) But Malcolm said “Fear not, for the Market will provide!” (8) And lo, it did, in the form of a string of orange boats, each with hot manifolds and GPS operating instructions in Mandarin, linked by very expensive fibre optic cables labelled “future property of News Corpse” and stretched across the moat towards the Promised Offshore Processing Facility. (8) And the marsupials rejoiced and were glad, and did praise the Markets and thank Malcolm as they began to cross the orange boats. (9) But while the chosen marsupials were but half way to the Promised Offshore Processing Facility, Malcolm got a call from Rupert, telling him that the nodes belonged to his friend Vlad, and were needed in Crimea. (10) And the orange boats were repossessed, and there was much weeping and gnashing of teeth amongst the marsupials. (11) And Malcolm said “Well it’s your fault for being rude to my mates” and went off to sit in the corner and wait for Toady to have an accident with an electric pencil sharpener.
Here endeth the lesson.
About time we cracked down on these vicious ungrateful artists. Troublemakers the lot of them.
I’m currently drafting the Vicious Artist Gang Incarceration Now Act (2014) for Malcolm who will do the final massaging.
Terrific work, rhwombat, especially the cadence. The clear highlight: “Let my fibre go only to the node!”
Yea, fu ck you, Transfield. Sic ’em, Dog.
@emc: that Act could, in turn, lead to the Clean Up Naughty Turnbulls Act (2016) as a rearguard action by Toady against a resurgent Princess Cumbungis?
rhwombat: Amen and Awomen to that.
That’s a bloody work of genius rhwombat.
There’s at least a 50 frame cartoon in that.
Top work RHW, I look forward to the next reading from the Book of (withheld for Operational Security Reasons).
Good thought emc. You could add the Clause for Lynching Individual Troublemakers On Really Insidious Suspicion, too … but I suspect Malcolm will not be able to find it
It’s a mildly diverting and well-known fact that Cumbungi thrives in swampy, anaerobic conditions, and is often planted in a low position to act as a live filter in removing the more obvious toxins flowing from higher places in the Cabinet catchment. Outputs from locations where Cumbungi is rooted often appear relatively benign, but this is deceptive since the more persistent toxic residues (including Mu [Murdochonium], Ho [Howardese] and Mi [Minchinium]) remain.
What about “bullshit artists” Rumpoll?
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