While global stock markets gleefully rebounded and central banks across the world decided whether to taper, spare a thought for those forgotten business stars who made the business pages slightly more interesting during 2013 … 

Black Letter Lawyer of the Year

Lord Denning might not have approved, but former Baker McKenzie Australia boss John McGuigan was revealed to be quite the raconteur at a January Independent Commission Against Corruption hearing. While lawyers are traditionally known for the discretion, McGuigan did his bit to rid the profession of such a horrid reputation, with secret phone taps revealing McGuigan had described White Energy independent director Graham Cubbin as a “silly prick” who has got himself a “fucking case of dripply cock”.

Al Capone Award for the Denial of the Year

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To Spanish Prime Minister Mariano Rajoy. Rajoy gave a furious denial when answering corruption allegations, noting that “everything that has been said about me and my colleagues in the party is untrue, except for some things that have been published by some media outlets”. Which appears to mean that Rajoy is completely innocent, other than of the crimes he may have committed. 

Shaun Greenhalgh Award for the Forger of the Year

To Melbourne man Wayne Hayden, who in order to reduce his sentence for deception-related offences (which included forgery) thought it wise to forge a character reference. The action unfortunately indicated an apparent lack of remorse and Hayden’s sentence promptly increased by four months.

King Solomon Award for Upholding Justice

To Australia’s finest criminal prosecutors, who felt it appropriate that Guy Jarvis (a drug addict with suspected mental problems), who allegedly stole $293, ought to be sentenced to seven years’ jail. Meanwhile, David Coe, a former partner at law form Mallesons who was once on the BRW Rich list and who allegedly diverted $104 million from Allco shareholders to a trust controlled by himself and other Allco insiders, was never charged with an offence. After his death in January 2013, Coe was eulogised by the financial press, with former Wallaby-turned-investment banker Simon Poidevin noting that “David Coe defined to all of us how you should live life”.

Dean Lukin Award for Part-Time Fisherman/Part-Time Investor of the Year

To Henricus Petrus Indisrie, better known as “Ric the Fish”. The Fish is the owner of Perth Select Seafoods and appears to be a fairly astute investor after purchasing a $300,000 stake in junior miner Sirius Resources last July. After Sirius discovered a world-class nickel copper deposit at Fraser Ridge, its share price leapt, and Ric the Fish’s stake grew to be worth more than $23 million in only eight months. That’s a lot of tuna.

Alan Bond Memorial Award for Shareholders’ Friend of the Year

To QBE Insurance, which in its wisdom thought it apt to pay former CEO Frank O’Halloran a termination payment of $2.34 million. O’Halloran was once hailed as a king among men at the insurer, which he turned from a minnow into one of the world’s largest. Sadly for QBE shareholders, integration wasn’t Frank’s strong point, with the company using eight different payroll systems. QBE’s share price has slumped by more than 70% shortly after O’Halloran’s departure. While the QBE board was paying Frank an almighty golden handshake for a job well done, it was also telling those same shareholders that it was revising its dividend policy and maintaining a lower payout ratio, based on fallen profitability.

Patty Hearst Award for Victim of the Year

To the world’s richest woman, Gina Rinehart, who appears to be the tragic victim of a long-running family feud. Rinehart’s lawyer, Noel Hutley SC, told the New South Wales Supreme Court that Rinehart was harmed by the legal action again two of her four children as “she is the person who if she wanted to get out and retire from the business or turn her money to philanthropy”. The action that harmed Rinehart was arguably caused by Rinehart herself refusing to allow her children access to the trust left to them by their grandfather (with a  little help from PwC).

Lonergan Edwards Award for the Expert of the Year

To former Leighton Holdings chairman David Mortimer. Under Mortimer’s shrewd watch, it came to light that Leighton had allegedly been bribing a motley crew of developing counties — the allegations led to billions of dollars being wiped from the value of the company, as well as potential civil and criminal actions from the Federal Police and the Australian Securities and Investments Commission. The federal government had twice tapped Mortimer to fulfil the task of advising on expert policies and procedures; the first, penned in 2008 (around the  same time Leighton was allegedly bribing Iraqi officials), was called “Winning in World Markets”, while Mortimer backed it up this year with another report called “Going to the Next Level”.

Elizabeth Nosworthy Award for Chairman of the Year

In a rare double gong, David Mortimer backed up his Expert of the Year award by taking out the Chairman of the Year for his stewardship of Australia Post. Mortimer sadly retired from OzPost in August, to the fawning praise of CEO Ahmed Fahour. It was Fahour who oversaw Australia Post’s controversial Olympic Games sponsorship and who noted that “on behalf of all Australia Post staff I would like to thank David for the incredible contribution he has made to the business and its future over the past 11 years”. While Australia Post’s performance remains questionable, the payments flowing to the ever grateful Fahour certainly were lavish. Under Mortimer’s watch, Fahour became Australia’s highest paid public servant, receiving a jaw-dropping $2.9 million in 2011. Fahour’s salary was 12 times the salary received by the US Postmaster General (who performs a similar role), despite Australia Post being only 3% of the size of the US equivalent.

Ben Bernanke Award for Forecaster of the Year

To The Australian Financial Review and crack writer Jemima Whyte, who, while discussing the upcoming iSelect IPO, noted: “Floats are suddenly looking attractive, and even those who aren’t entirely convinced about some aspects of iSelect’s business admit that this float will probably shoot the lights out … it’s a new growing industry in its infancy in Australia that has experienced rapid growth in recent years.” Sadly, the iSelect float didn’t quite shoot anything out, falling by 33% in six months and even drawing an ASIC investigation into questionable disclosure.

Goldfish Memory of the Year

To portfolio manager Steve Black, of Pengana Capital, who was positively ebullient about the prospects of the float of transport company McAleese. Black noted that “the strongest case is the quality of the management team”. It appears Black doesn’t have an especially long memory, as the McAleese team was led by chairman Mark Rowsthorn, who was CEO of Asciano while its shares slumped from $10.26 to $1.50. A large part of Asciano’s poor performance was due to Rowsthorn’s harebrained takeover bid for Brambles and a terribly timed, highly dilutive equity raising. Rowsthorn, of course, got his start the old-fashioned way — by being the son of Toll’s first chairman, Peter Rowsthorn.

Lame Duck of the Year

To former Leighton Holdings CEO Wal King, who noted that after David Stewart had been selected to succeed him CEO in August 2010, King became “ostracised within the company that he had run for 23 years” and became “somewhat of a lame duck”. As it turns out, King was a very well-paid lame duck — for the 2011 financial year (King was a lame duck for virtually all of it) he took home more than $2.7 million. After retiring as CEO, King also received gardening and handyman services at his home — perhaps they were installing a duck pond.

Overzealous Cleaner of the Year

To British IT expert James Howells, who inadvertently threw out a hard drive that contained almost $8 million worth of bitcoins. Howells mined the bitcoins in 2009 (when they were virtually worthless), and their price increased during that time from $20 to more than $1000 this year (the current price is around US$900). Howells attempted to scour his local landfill to try to find the hard drive, only to be told that it would likely be three feet deep in an area the size of a football field.